Britain Flocks To Childish Wizard Rubbish

MILLIONS of grown men and women have turned out to watch the latest film based on some childish drivel about a magic boy.

Barry Magic and the Wizardy Fairy Prince is the new instalment in the Chronicles of Barry Magic saga, featuring pixies, flying broomsticks and a long list of other things that no-one over the age of 10 should be entertained by, really.

Nathan Muir, a 36-year-old English teacher and adult, was last night queueing outside a London cinema wearing a poncho covered in crescent moons and straddling a mop.

He said: “The Barry Magic stories are clearly superior to any of the so-called ‘literary’ classics. No other series of books confronts with such savage, gripping clarity the experience of being a boy wizard under the tutelage of a benevolent magic owl called Mr Pobblechops.

“Has Joseph Heller got a family of benevolent magic owls? No, he hasn’t. Has JG Ballard got 10,000 flying moles in tinsel cowboy hats? No, he hasn’t.

“I bet if Joseph Heller wasn’t dead he would freely admit that Barry Magic and the Trumpet of Chaos makes Catch-22 look like a right load of old shit.”

The film adaptations feature a cast of distinguished British actors stretching their acting skills in a wide range of pointy hats and stick-on beards.

Sir Anthony Hopkins, who plays the half-terrier court jester Mr Bongowonk, said: “Some say that Barry Magic is just for children, simply because it’s about a group of characters who are children in situations clearly designed to appeal to children.

“But when the producers waved a nine-digit cheque under my nose, Mr Bongowonk’s hidden emotional depths suddenly became apparent. Especially in the scene where he gets turned into a massive blancmange by a naughty pixie wizard.”


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Companies Resort To Employing The Welsh

THE recession took a turn for the worse last night as new figures revealed more businesses have resorted to using low cost Welshmen.

Unemployment in Wales has fallen by 1,000 so far this year, as towns close to the border are overrun by short, hairy employees who work for vodka and seem to speak Elvish.

Wayne Hayes, a warehouse worker from Chester, said: "I saw this odd creature stacking boxes. The boss said it's from somewhere called 'Llanerch-y-Mor', which I can only assume is a suburb of Mordor."

Wales still suffers from large scale unemployment with many unable to work due to a chronic sense of victimhood and vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight. Singer Charlotte Church's bar tab currently accounts for 42% of the country's GDP.

Meanwhile trade unions have called for increased safety checks warning an improperly-handled Welsh can explode in a shower of glowering resentment and vowel-free syllables.

Roy Hobbs, who employs 12 Welshmen at his factory in Shrewsbury, said: "They're charming little fellows that can easily be trained to do menial tasks. I sometimes think they almost understand what we're saying."

He added: "They're initially skittish around machinery but give them a pallet of straw to sleep on and a flagon of Brains Bitter every night and they're happy as larks."

But many are angry at the introduction of the Welsh. Nikki Hollis, an accounts assistant from Ludlow, said: "How would you like an Ian Woosnam look-a-like screaming Tom Jones down your ear and rubbing his crotch against your cheek while you're trying to do the regional sales figures?"