Britain not cleverer than Simon Cowell

MILLIONS of X Factor conspiracy theorists have convinced themselves they are cleverer than Simon Cowell, thus proving the opposite.

Brain food

Dorito-munchers across the nation are quite certain they have outwitted the billionaire karaoke mogul after figuring out Simon Cowell’s various voting/judging ‘scams’ from stories given to newspapers by Simon Cowell.

X Factor viewer Nathan Muir said: “This might blow your mind a little, but the whole thing’s totally rigged. In fact you might as well call it ‘the Fix Factor’, ha.

“Yeah. ‘Fix Factor’, that’s pretty good. I thought of that.”

He added: “Simon Cowell would have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out. I mean, it’d take more than some fairly standard PR jiggery to get me reading and talking about his television program.


A television industry source said: “Simon Cowell is one of the nation’s wealthiest men for a reason – his innate cunning would make an especially audacious fox look like Rodney from Only Fools and Horses.

“Meanwhile your median X Factor devotee has about the same intellectual machinery as a crude 1980s chess computer.

“A carefully-orchestrated whiff of conspiracy will allow said viewer to exercise his or her limited mental faculties to ‘fathom it all out’. This simple process gets the viewer engaged with the show and gives them the same sort of satisfaction that a squirrel might get after pulling out a matchstick to get a nut.

“It’s a classic PR move called the ‘reverse moron’ or ‘the fuckwit paradox’.”