Britain to stage an intervention for Question Time

BRITAIN is to stage a substance abuse intervention for Question Time before the BBC show has a total breakdown.

The country has stood by in recent years as the show went into a rapid decline, presumably caused by a raging drug or alcohol addiction.

Martin Bishop, a viewer from Stevenage, said: “They’ve been inviting literally anyone to be part of the panel. Do they wake up the next morning with any recollection of what they did? Or is it just a vague memory of some rough, clumsy nonsense with a collection of idiots?

“This is a classic example of substance abuse leading to a loss of self respect and self control.”

Bishop added: “The first thing we have to do is find out what it is they’ve been taking. Then we need to tell them that unless they change we’ll watch something on Sky about Ross Kemp meeting a gang of Jamaican Nazis.

“If we do nothing then I can guarantee that in a few weeks it won’t be Question Time anymore, it will be Help! My Crazy Right Wing Historian Thinks My Muslim Boyfriend is a Maniac!


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pope smashes bottle on bar

POPE Francis broke the bottom of a Grolsch bottle open on a bar when asked how Catholics should respond to insults to their faith.

“What did you just say about the doctrine of papal infallibiliy?”

He followed that with urgent inquires aimed at finding out who had been “talking shit” about Catholicism and what way these people walk home.

Pope Francis continued: “Freedom of speech is absolutely inviolable when it comes to priests spreading the news of the Lord. For anyone else, not so much.

“Turning the other cheek is one of those things Christ said but, when you read between the lines, didn’t really mean.

“You say anything about the Holy Trinity – you breathe one disrespectful word about the Blessed Virgin – and I put you in the ground, my friend.

“I’m with my Muslim brothers, who should immediately convert to the one true faith or spend eternity being tortured for their sins in hell, on this one.”

Onlookers immediately praised the Pope, who could have chosen from any number of golden and bejewelled daggers to defend his faith but instead chose a humble broken bottle to bring peace to his foes.