Britney May As Well Be A Corpse Puppet, Say Fans

BRITNEY Spears kicked off her first major tour in five years with a larynx-free performance that was no better than a dancing corpse puppet, angry fans said last night.

Concert goers said the star's lower lip and chin performed extremely well but were disappointed she had chosen not to use her lungs.

Throughout the show Spears was strapped to a trolley which was manouvered around the stage by a series of ropes and pullies while a pair of dancing legs was projected onto a whiteboard covering the lower half of her body.

Meanwhile the pop princess's hands were tied behind her back as two large, rag doll arms, sown into her costume, flailed manically as she was jerked rapidly from side to side.

There was a brief technical hitch during the second half when the twitching legs of Riverdance star Michael Flatley were projected onto the whiteboard by mistake.

But despite having her head strapped to a metal pole the star was able to move her lips in synch to the music while a potent cocktail of amphetamine was pumped into the base of her spine in a bid to keep her eyes open.

Tom Logan, who attended the show with his wife and 11-year old daughter Nancy, said: "The mime-dancing and the scary arms were good, but as a family we really wanted to see her straddle a chair in high-sided panties and simulate masturbation."

Nancy added: "She's not as good as the Pussycat Dolls. Daddy's taken me to see them 14 times."

Not all Britney's fans were disappointed, however. Bill McKay, 44, from Houston, said: "It was an amazing, life-enhancing performance if your life happens to revolve around fantasies about a 27-year old substance-abusing, mother of two dressed up as jailbait."

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Injecting Foul Smelling Gas Directly Into Your Penis Will Improve Sex Life, Say Experts

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

Researchers from the Instituto per Studi in Naples said hydrogen sulphide was a key component in the erection process, apart from when released by a female during cunnilingus when it tended to have the opposite effect, unless you were some kind of demented pervert.

Lead researcher Dr Guillermo Mancini said: "You bring bella signora back to your stylish, candle-lit appartamento.

"You open nice bottle of Lambrusco, maybe have some oyster for her to swallow. She soon get message.

"You dim lights, put on Joe Dolce LP and then feed her asparago con burro which she eat in a highly erotic fashion, mimicking act of sesso orale, yes?.

"She now totally imbavagliare but niente is stirring in your pantaloni. Is no worry! You hand her gas mask, open window, spray room with Oust, get out your giant syringe and inject 50ml of stinking bum-gas directly into the base of your muscolo di amore.

"Forty-five minutes later you are having sesso magnifico, unless she make mistake of removing gas mask in which case all bets are off."

Emma Cook, the wife of a malfunctioning erection from Newcastle, said: "I'm tellin' you now, it could be as hard as a fuckin' breeze block but you're not comin' anywhere near me with a cock full o' farts."