Britney Spears completes abuse cycle by becoming X-Factor judge

POP legend Britney Spears has followed the pattern of an abused child becoming an abusive adult by becoming a judge on the American X-Factor.

Spears will stamp on the dreams of teenage girls just like her younger self at the audition phase, before systematically shattering the self-esteem of the hopefuls she mentors in the final competition.

She is said to be ‘thrilled’ to work with Simon Cowell, who is the very image of the father-figure label bosses who pimped her to MTV, exploited her nascent sexuality and then threw her away like a deflated rubber doll.

Spears told an LA press conference:  “If a contestant asks me what it’s like being screamed at to strip for a magazine shoot by a coke-snorting record exec who later tries to get you into a threesome with his ex-wife, I can help them with that.

“I was a chart-topping star worldwide aged 17, I was forced to annul my marriage by my manager aged 22, and lost custody of my children aged 26. Who better to teach kids what it takes to make it in pop music?”

Britney is expected to be initially warm and welcoming to the contestants she mentors, promising to do anything for them, before calling them lazy, useless idiots who don’t deserve this great opportunity, and finally hugging her protegés while weeping and telling them she’s only cruel because she wants them to succeed so badly.

Simon Cowell said: “The original pop princess is going to dish out contradictory praise and punishment just the way she received it herself all those years.

“Whether she’s having a shrieking fit, a crying jag, or making the kids snort amphetamines to stay awake for interviews on German breakfast radio, I’m confident she’ll be exactly the mentor they need.

“If only she had a cock they could suck, she’d be perfect.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

RBS now being run by Montgomery Brewster from 'Brewster's Millions'

THE Royal Bank of Scotland is being run by someone compelled to spend as much money as possible by a clause in his eccentric uncle’s will,  it has been claimed.

Economist Roy Hobbs revealed the appointment after RBS recorded its fourth consecutive year of losses since being bailed out by taxpayers’ money in 2008.

Hobbs said: “To most of us, these losses, coupled with the extravagant £785 million in bonuses RBS has issued, look like terrible mismanagement and a flagrant disregard for public sensitivity.

“But the real reason is that RBS Bosses have found themselves in the same position as Richard Pryor in the 1985 3-stars-out-of-5 film comedy Brewster’s Millions.

“It would then be downright immoral of them not to piss as much cash as possible up a wall, in the sure knowledge that their eccentric uncle’s will stipulates that they will get a far greater sum at the end of their massive, demented spree.

“On that basis we will continue to see a cavalcade of Faberge-egg powered hovercars, bonfires of Picassos and huge amounts of money awarded to people purely on the basis that they have interesting eyebrows.

“Also I would not be surprised to see some kind of special guest directorship for Gene Wilder.”

He added: “There’s a board game with a similar premise. I can’t remember that it’s called though.”