CARETAKER England manager Stuart Pearce has picked a squad containing an unexpected variety of rubbish.
During a press conference largely comprised of questions beginning ‘Why the fuck…?’, Pearce outlined his plan to see exactly what the youth players can’t do.
It relies heavily on the team somehow translating the concepts of ‘passion’ and ‘commitment’ into not letting their footballing superiors knock six past them. Pearce acknowledged that screaming at them from the sidelines whilst gesticulating wildly would also play a part.
He said: “During my time at Manchester City I steered them to 15th place, showing I can manhandle a well-supported team to levels of mediocrity with nothing but a mob of barely-mobile lumps of protein at my disposal.
“I know Harry has the edge over me with his one FA Cup win in 29 years of football management but what I feel I can bring to the table is the kind of unblinking, terrifying stare you normally see from a customer who’s just had the waiter offer his wife a cheeky kneetrembler in the cloakroom.”
Frank Lampard is currently being treated for shock after his omission from Pearce’s squad brought the realisation that there are 25 Englishman less useless than him at football. He has also consulted his lawyer to see whether the current spate of managers not picking him for every single game breaks some kind of FIFA rule.
Questions were asked why Stewart Downing was picked over Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain despite the fact the latter is a talented, exciting prospect and the former has failed to find a teammate even when passing them the ketchup in the canteen this season.
Pearce said: “Alex. Bugger. I’d forgotten about him. Give me that bit of paper, let’s have another go.”