Bruno Re-Cut For MPs

THE makers of x-rated comedy film Bruno have released a re-cut version with added sexual perversity, just for British MPs.

Bruno: Die Version Extra Freaky features an additional three hours of explicit acts, including several never before attempted.

Tory MP Sir Paul Bowles said: "I'd heard reports that Bruno featured extended scenes of sodomistic debauchery. After seeing the film, I was indeed disgusted – by it's brevity and banal lack of imagination.

"He talked incessantly about his 'kugelsack' and yet we only got a brief, tantalising glimpse. It was a shameless con."

Lib Dem MP Terry Hunter said: "Who, in their right mind, wants to see a film about the bedroom exploits of a promiscuous gay fashionista that doesn't feature ice-picking, cat beading, 'the trident of Vienna', owling, la-la, squeezeplay, tube love or gulching?

"It's a scandal that these deliciously vile deeds and others that I haven't yet thought of weren't depicted in the film."

The MPs sent a 2000-word memo to the film's American producers outlining suggested improvements, including a scene involving 'two rugged bikers and a wounded sheep' and 'a bacchanalian, Caligula-esque party sequence filled with demure Brazilian slave boys, thickly-muscled centurions and a spa-ful of butterscotch-flavour Angel Delight'.

US film producer Larry Chaykin said: "We have spiced the film up a little for the UK political market. However we couldn't incorporate all their ideas as my secretary kept throwing up. And what the fuck is Angel Delight?"


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Bankers Look Forward To Rubbing Your Nose In It

BANKERS last night welcomed proposals for their salaries to be made public, stressing they cannot wait to rub your nose right in it.

As MPs called for new laws to reveal bankers' pay, senior figures in the City said it could actually help to drive home the fact that they are just much cleverer and more ambitious than you are.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, chairman of Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Crack on. Just because it's in the newspapers doesn't mean it's not in my offshore account gathering interest.

"In fact, I'd be more than happy to publish a monthly list of all the lovely things I've spent it on.

"If you want I could alert the Times whenever I upgrade my Maserati or am fitted for a magnificent new suit."

Julian Cook, chairman of Madeley-Finnegan, said: "I could give you a list of the five star hotels I stay at during the course of the year, garnished with details of all the exquisite meals and superb wines that I consume with a big, fat grin on my face.

"You see, I don't care whether you know how much I earn or not. I just want the fucking money.

"And if it makes you hate me to the point where you want to do me harm, I'll use some of the money to hire a large Russian bodyguard who would love nothing more than to smash your face in."

Sir Denys added: "Of course, the government may decide to control our pay at which point you can all look forward to tractor production targets, widescale famine and, within a few years, a large pile of skulls.

"I'll send you a postcard from Antigua."