SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.
Experts who had predicted the virus was unlikely to mutate, now say that it definitely will and it is going to be disgusting.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The Cherie virus will attach itself to the swine flu and suck at it like a big, patronising leech that thinks it's better than you.
"Viewed through a microscope the early form of the the mutant CherSwine virus looks like a spiky ball of pus with the mouth of Ronald McDonald.
"And after just ten minutes on the Petri dish it leapt into my wallet and started pocketing all the fivers."
Research scientists are now working frantically to develop a vaccine using a handful of questionable property deals, a dash of extreme Catholicism and an awful lot of Dettol.
According to Prof Brubaker a virus with the contagiousness of swine flu and the eye-gouging awfulness of Cherie Blair will be 'a bit like the Black Death, if it was obsessed with money and status'.
He added: "Have you seen 28 Days Later? I thought it was rather disappointing actually."
The public have been urged to reduce the risk of infection by avoiding new-age bullshit gurus, £1000 charity lunches and Bargain Books.