Swine Flu Catches Cherie Blair

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

Experts who had predicted the virus was unlikely to mutate, now say that it definitely will and it is going to be disgusting.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The Cherie virus will attach itself to the swine flu and suck at it like a big, patronising leech that thinks it's better than you.

"Viewed through a microscope the early form of the the mutant CherSwine virus looks like a spiky ball of pus with the mouth of Ronald McDonald.

"And after just ten minutes on the Petri dish it leapt into my wallet and started pocketing all the fivers."

Research scientists are now working frantically to develop a vaccine using a handful of questionable property deals, a dash of extreme Catholicism and an awful lot of Dettol.

According to Prof Brubaker a virus with the contagiousness of swine flu and the eye-gouging awfulness of Cherie Blair will be 'a bit like the Black Death, if it was obsessed with money and status'.

He added: "Have you seen 28 Days Later? I thought it was rather disappointing actually."

The public have been urged to reduce the risk of infection by avoiding new-age bullshit gurus, £1000 charity lunches and Bargain Books.

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Britain Flocks To Childish Wizard Rubbish

MILLIONS of grown men and women have turned out to watch the latest film based on some childish drivel about a magic boy.

Barry Magic and the Wizardy Fairy Prince is the new instalment in the Chronicles of Barry Magic saga, featuring pixies, flying broomsticks and a long list of other things that no-one over the age of 10 should be entertained by, really.

Nathan Muir, a 36-year-old English teacher and adult, was last night queueing outside a London cinema wearing a poncho covered in crescent moons and straddling a mop.

He said: “The Barry Magic stories are clearly superior to any of the so-called ‘literary’ classics. No other series of books confronts with such savage, gripping clarity the experience of being a boy wizard under the tutelage of a benevolent magic owl called Mr Pobblechops.

“Has Joseph Heller got a family of benevolent magic owls? No, he hasn’t. Has JG Ballard got 10,000 flying moles in tinsel cowboy hats? No, he hasn’t.

“I bet if Joseph Heller wasn’t dead he would freely admit that Barry Magic and the Trumpet of Chaos makes Catch-22 look like a right load of old shit.”

The film adaptations feature a cast of distinguished British actors stretching their acting skills in a wide range of pointy hats and stick-on beards.

Sir Anthony Hopkins, who plays the half-terrier court jester Mr Bongowonk, said: “Some say that Barry Magic is just for children, simply because it’s about a group of characters who are children in situations clearly designed to appeal to children.

“But when the producers waved a nine-digit cheque under my nose, Mr Bongowonk’s hidden emotional depths suddenly became apparent. Especially in the scene where he gets turned into a massive blancmange by a naughty pixie wizard.”