BT couple's son to kill housemate with pitchfork

THE storyline of the latest BT adverts will follow the previous couple’s son as he spirals into a pit of murderous drug-fuelled sexual obsession.

In the forthcoming commercials Joe, teenage son of the older woman who hooked up with the scarecrow-ish dick from My Family, leaves home and falls into a deadly broadband-based love triangle.

Mentally unhinged by the awfulness of his parents, first-year student Joe becomes obsessed with beautiful housemate Anna. He secretly installs webcams in her bedroom, watching her undress via his super-fast BT broadband connection.

The plot takes a violent turn when Joe returns home following a four-day crystal meth bender to find Anna kissing floppy-haired fellow housemate and love rival Simon.

Without saying a word, the glassy-eyed fresher goes calmly to his room and returns with a pitchfork, plunging it into Simon’s chest while repeatedly screaming ‘now you are mine, now you are mine, temptress whore’.

Subsequent adverts will follow Joe as he uses BT Infinity broadband internet to stalk terrified Anna, who flees to Tangier.

A BT spokesman said: “Customer feedback about the previous slew of adverts said people wanted more impalement and suffering.

“As a bonus we also get to see Joe masturbating furiously on a fire escape, while crying.”




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Eurovision songs mostly pleas for economic aid

EUROZONE nations are using this year’s international song contest to ask for financial help to a thumping hi-NRG disco beat.

This year’s competition, to be held in Azerbaijan, will see Eurozone entrants replacing the usual vague sentiments about international brotherhood and living as one family with specific economic requests.

France’s entry Veuillez ne pas Déclasser Notre Ratings-Credit is a camp, upbeat  disco-pop number about begging a regulatory body not to slash your credit rating due to short-sighted fiscal policy.

Meanwhile Greece’s offering, My Precious One I’ve Borrowed Too Much, is a poignant power ballad telling the story of a handsome fisherman asking a mermaid to write off a substantial debt.

Britain’s entry is yet to be decided but sources claim competition favourite H from Steps and 14 backing dancers have been attending night classes at the London School of Economics.

Economist Emma Bradford said: “These are powerful sentiments, sure to be expressed with all the sincerity that someone who doesn’t speak the language they’re singing and looks like a mid-priced prostitute can muster.

She added: “With nations teetering on the brink of anarchy,  Eurovision’s wafer-thin vision of harmony is suddenly relevant again.

“There is no Plan B. He has other commitments.”