NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.
Queens Park Rangers’ chairman Tony Fernandes sacked Warnock earlier this month, stating that the short-term vision of the club had been realigned to focus more on not getting their arses kicked all the time.
But dinner lady-faced anagram Warnock said: “Football critics have been infiltrating every echelon of football in a concerted effort to make me appear to the untrained eye like a cack-brained buffoon that couldn’t manage to get eleven sheep to shit in a field.
“They have an agenda of stopping the world from seeing the true magnificence of Neil Warnock and they are ultimately to blame for what people mistakenly believe are my manifest failings.”
Warnock has produced a 1,293-page dossier detailing the various ways critics have conspired to ruin his career, from steering radio-controlled footballs 35 yards over the crossbar during matches to his belief that Adel Taarabt is actually bearded, 22-stone Daily Mail columnist Martin Samuel in disguise.
He estimates that one in three opposition players were actually football pundits dressed as professional athletes, confusing his side into submission by bombarding them with questions about the percentage of effort they were giving during matches.
He also claims that his 6-0 defeat against Fulham this season never actually happened, with the game actually being a scrappy 1-0 win for QPR, but the critics spread so many rumours of his side being humped that they were eventually believed to be true.
Warnock added “One day, my sacking will be seen as a conspiracy to rival the JFK assassination, the only difference being that people were quite sad when that happened.”