MANY of our most beloved English phrases can be attributed to Shakespeare, so he probably came up with these delicate euphemisms for sex too, writes Sun reader Roy Hobbs.
Planting the parsnip
Most of the bard’s plays are about shagging in one way or another. I think this is out of that ‘To be, or not to be’ speech – but I could be mistaken.
Shakespeare wrote dozens of plays about various King Henrys for some reason. This was probably in a play about the comedy fat one who beheaded all those women he shagged.
The no-pants dance
It takes a true master of the English language to think of rhyming ‘pants’ with ‘dance’. This one is so good it probably came from one of those boring love poems what he did.
Busting a nut in the gut
It speaks volumes for just how boring theatre is that Shakespeare could invent one of the great English sex euphemisms, but no one knows because who wants to see a bunch of twats prancing around in tights? It’s tragic really.
This is one of the great British classics and surely was invented by Shakespeare. Or maybe it was Winston Churchill. Definitely one of the two.
A VIP ticket for the beef buffet
Shakespeare was a master of romance, and it’s easy to imagine that bird Juliet leaning out of her tower with her tits and that asking Romeo if he’d like a VIP ticket to the beef buffet.
Visiting the bean rodeo
Despite Shakespeare living before the concept of rodeos even existed, he coined this phrase. That’s how ahead of his time he was.
Putting a banana in the fruit salad
The state of education in this country when a woman in the pub doesn’t even know you’re quoting the Bard when you use this in one of your chat-up lines. I simply despair.
Kicking off the cucumber hootenanny
This one was told to me by a cousin from Dorset. He said it’s from Julius Caesar and I have no reason to doubt him because he’s the brainiest one in the family. He’s got a diploma in marketing from the University of Salford for f**k’s sake.