Cameron and Osborne 'in charge of Oscar envelopes'

DAVID Cameron and George Osborne were in charge of putting the names of Oscar winners in the right envelopes, it has emerged.

Accountants PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) said they subcontracted the job to the former prime minister and chancellor, assuming ‘any child could manage this without fucking it up’.

A PwC spokesman added: “We have a long standing relationship with David and George and we always said that if they ever needed some work we would try and help them out.

“Obviously we were aware of their capacity for ineptitude, but clearly no task is too simple. Lesson learned.”

David Cameron said: “We did warn PwC that we may accidentally set the building on fire. This is an excellent result.”

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Number of Mini Eggs in bag always one less than you could possibly imagine

THERE are always fewer Mini Eggs in a bag than even the lowest estimate, mathematicians have confirmed. 

The formula is (x-y)-1=k, where x is how many Mini Eggs you remember a bag containing, y is your most pessimistic estimate and k is the actual number of Mini Eggs you are disappointed by.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Remarkably, even under scientific conditions using ultrasound on the bag, when opened there was still one less Mini Egg than we’d allowed ourselves to believe.

“We’re learning important lessons about the infinite capacity of the human mind to hope, particularly when sugar-shelled chocolate is concerned, and the infinite bastardry of whatever American shit-merchants now own Cadbury’s.

“Even if we estimate there are zero Mini Eggs in the bag there is one less, taking us into the warped mathematical dimension of Negative Eggs, which has been closed since the Square Egg, or ‘Squegg’, was destroyed in 2002.”

Brubaker added: “Just give us more eggs, you fuckers.”