Man claims his life being ruined by immigration but can't explain how

A MAN who feels immigration is negatively affecting his life cannot give a single concrete example of how, he has revealed.

Roy Hobbs, from Worcester, is vehemently opposed to immigration but can never explain how it has harmed him or anyone he knows.

Hobbs said: “Immigration forces wages down. Not for middle-class people like me, obviously, but for simple working class folk. I can’t give you any examples, but a man on Question Time said it.

“They’re damaging our culture. I’m not sure how someone talking Polish on the bus is harming British culture in the same way as, say, banning Shakespeare, but it probably is.

“Then there’s the strain on our infrastructure. I’m pretty sure there weren’t all these traffic jams in London before the immigrants started coming.

“And of course it’s driving property prices up, although as a homeowner I want prices to stay insanely high, so I think we should cut immigration and then burn down loads of houses to maintain a healthy level of demand.

“Perhaps none of this stuff has affected me personally, but I am prepared to kick out all the foreigners on other people’s behalf. I’ve always been very altruistic.”

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Farage gatecrashes couple’s film and pizza night

FORMER UKIP leader Nigel Farage invited himself to a couple’s regular film night and ate a disproportionate amount of pizza.

Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis were settling down to watch the remake of The Magnificent Seven when the frog-faced politician knocked at the front door and slipped inside.

Hollis said: “He squeezed in between us on the sofa, prattling on about how he’s a ‘big player’ in ‘the new politics’ and helping himself to slices of our 13-inch pepperoni and mushroom.

“The little shit ate nine of the 12 slices and all the chicken wings. That was out of order, but then he completely ruined the film by talking over it with made-up anti-EU propaganda.

“After he’d spent two hours comparing himself to the Magnificent Seven. I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but unlike him I’m quite tolerant and polite.”

Logan said: “He also droned on about how British pizzas were shit compared to American ones. He eventually left at 1.30am. I’m absolutely convinced he thinks we had a good time.”