Grown-up momentarily gives a f**k about Oscar bullshit

AN ADULT human has scolded herself after spending almost 30 seconds giving a fuck about some bullshit that happened at the Oscars.

Emma Bradshaw read the huge, banner headline on the BBC website this morning and immediately thought ‘that must have been embarrassing and awkward for the people who made La La Land’.

She said: “Then I realised I was still thinking about it, at which point I pinched myself very hard on the arm and shouted ‘get a fucking grip, woman!’.

Bradshaw added: “It’s an administrative error at an industry award ceremony. It should be a news in brief item.

“But it isn’t. Because we’re pathetic.”

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New dog realises he is there to make or break relationship

A NEWLY adopted dog is realising he has been brought in to prevent a break-up.

Five-year-old Bobby was thrilled to be rehomed by Martin Bishop and Nikki Hollis, but has quickly found himself at the centre of a ‘passive-aggressive nightmare’.

He said: “I’ve only been here a week and the atmosphere is, shall we say, a tad awkward.

“He keeps saying that I like him more because he works from home, and she keeps feeding me loads of treats when he’s out of the room. It’s doing my head in.”

The couple have kept up their relationship-boosting walks with Bobby, although these are increasingly marred by uncomfortable silences or terse exchanges about whose turn it is to pick up the excrement.

Meanwhile, both are using social media to paint a picture of domestic harmony, posting daily pictures tagged as #happyfamily and #furrybaby.

Bobby added: “It is so fucked up.”