Celebrity Big Brother viewers unable to get clean

VIEWERS of Channel 5’s Celebrity Big Brother have been scrubbing themselves all night but still feel dirty.

Emergency services were overwhelmed with calls from CBB watchers, many of whom described a sensation like having a layer of wet cockroaches beneath their skin.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford was admitted to hospital with severe chafing after a three-hour session with a loofah.

She said: “I close my eyes and all I see is that hip hop homunculus from N Dubz, Liz Jones and her off the The Apprentice merging into a nightmarish blob of limbs like a twat version of the creature at the end of The Thing.

“I thought it would be titillating exploitative entertainment with nudity and mental breakdowns, just normal telly. But it’s something darker, much darker.

“The darkness is in me now.”

Plumber Tom Logan said: “I’ve just watched someone from something called Blue going into a bathroom, ostensibly to have a wank.

“I chose to do that by turning on my television set, making the appropriate channel selection and then sitting in front of it.

“Now my skin smells of rotten peaches and when I enter the kitchen the dog hides under the table.”

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Record numbers poncing about in new cars

MORE Britons than ever are driving around in brand new cars like a bunch of total ponces.

Latest figures show an 11 per cent increase in people who can only validate their existence by showing you that they can afford a shiny box.

Tom Logan, a car salesman from Peterborough, said: “It has been a fantastic year for ponces.

“At one point we had 26 of them in the showroom at the same time, all desperate to buy one of those blue things over there.

“We gave them espressos and copies of Country Living so they could continue to feel important while we took their stupid money.”

Martin Bishop, who runs an Audi franchise, said: “We used to wait until after the customer had left before laughing at how ridiculous and idiotic they are. But things have picked up so much that we can now do it to their face.

“Last month I sold a Q3 arse-wagon to some twat for twenty eight grand. He said he thought it was a good deal ‘because the knobs are easy to reach’.

“As he was staring at the car I walked up behind him, put my hand on his shoulder and said ‘you are a complete cretin’. He couldn’t have cared less.”

Bishop added: “Thank you for my ponce conveyor belt, Top Gear