Michael Gove's history lesson

GOOD morning class. I’m Michael Gove: the next prime minister and the man who puts the Gove in government.

I’m sad to hear that teachers, because they’re leftie Marxists, have been getting history wrong. Here’s what actually happened.

World War One: The lie that our troops were “lions led by donkeys” must be overturned. In truth, the lions were the visionary members of the officer class who invented the revolutionary tactic of swamping the enemy’s machine guns with donkey bodies.

Wilfred Owen: The poet’s famous line “Gas! Quick boys, an ecstasy of fumbling,” wasn’t inspired by a mustard gas attack but by a fellow soldier good-naturedly breaking wind in his face as a joke, the whinger.

The Crusades: Basically a Christian outreach programme, like the Salvation Army, which delivered improving leaflets to the benighted heathens of the Middle East. Created the wonderful reputation white people still enjoy in the region today.

The Revolutionary War: Historians claim that Britain and America fought each other in this war, but that could never have happened because we’re both the goodies. Clearly some kind of administrative mistake.

World War Two: Evidence that the Soviet Union defeated the Nazis on the Eastern Front is obviously false, because they were Communists and only a nation built on free-market principles with privatised utilities could be successful.

Dunkirk: Revisionists have called this a British retreat, but actually it was more like an early D-Day but a little bit slower and slightly more backwards.

Italia ’90: BBC lies that Chris Waddle kicked a crucial penalty into the sky have been disproved by amateur historians on the Daily Telegraph’s comment desk, who uncovered new evidence that he buried it in the net and England beat Argentina in the final.

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News mainly pictures of waves

NEWS editors have confirmed that they are mostly going to be doing pictures of waves for the time being.

A BBC spokesman said: “There’s just so many types of wave – frothy, foamy, crescent-shaped and tidal to name but four.

“Expect thousands of user-generated wave pictures on our websites and round-the-clock wave coverage on our new channel BBC Waves News 24.”

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “Waves are eye-catching yet terrifying, rather like women in general.

“Also people tend to stand too close to them, and we will be encouraging our readers to despise those individuals for their stupid recklessness.

“That’s until one of them gets swept away. Then we will mourn their tragic loss – especially so if that person wanted to be a model.”