Channel 5 reveals salaries of both its staff

CHANNEL Five has revealed the salaries of the woman who chooses the programmes and the man who pixelates the breasts.

The broadcaster said it was revealing the salaries of both its staff members because it wanted to demonstrate transparency and prove that the BBC is a total waste of time and money.

Programme chooser Emma Bradshaw, who is on £53,000 a year, said: “Half the greedy bastards at the BBC are on more than the prime minister of the UK. I get paid slightly more than the prime minister of one of the countries where the documentaries about stag parties are filmed

“And more people want to watch shows about stuff getting repossessed than yet another costume drama about a bunch of ponces.”

Breast pixelater Wayne Hayes, who is on £39,000 a year, added: “I’m doing the job of 10 men. We like to show as many breasts as possible during the day, but because of the ‘rules’ I have to make them a bit blurry. It’s an awful lot of work.

“We used to have a guy who pixelated fannies, but now if a programme’s got fannies we just wait until after five o’clock to show it.”

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Metropolitan types clearly shitting it in country pub

A GROUP of London media types are having an absolute nightmare in a rural pub, it has been revealed.

According to patrons of The Black Swan, near Hereford, the out-of-town foursome looked petrified upon entering the establishment and spent the following hour sitting in the corner, whispering to each other.

Local farm worker Johnny Davies said: “They’re a funny little bunch. They keep taking pictures of the place on the sly and talking about how their tweets from ‘the heart of Brexitland’ are going to go viral.

“I smiled at one of the lads and he looked like he was going to cry. I might not have all my teeth but I’ve at least got manners.”

He added: “I’ve got a sizeable Twitter following too – I like to post pictures of the landscape and bits of my poetry.”

The four, who are on a British ‘staycation’ from their converted office block in East London, briefly mooted the idea of a game of darts, but could not muster the courage to ask the barmaid for them.

One of the group, digital marketing manager Martin Bishop, said: “I’ve never been so terrified in all my life. And I’ve bungee jumped on three different continents.”