Chappell Roan, Sabrina Carpenter, Gracie Abrams: the new crop of pop stars you've never heard of

YOU thought you were doing well, namedropping Taylor Swift and Lana Del Rey, but Gen Z laughed at you. These are the new names to pretend to be familiar with: 

Chappell Roan, born 1998

The gay lovechild of Kate Bush and Lady Gaga, Chappell Roan is America’s exuberant answer to years of bland and uninspired pop. Pronunciation is a minefield – Chapel Rone? Shappelle Rowan? – but you’ll love her catchy tunes and recoil at her vulgar drag-queen stage patter.

Sabrina Carpenter, born 1999

You’ve heard her song about being a shot of espresso. You may even know she’s dating Barry Keoghan, the one who drank the spunky bathwater in Saltburn. She’s blonde, she’s ex-Disney, she’s near-identical to countless others but don’t tell the young people that. They don’t know.

JoJo Siwa, born 2003

When still a child this bleach-blonde tween with a passion for brightly coloured hair accessories appeared on Dance Moms and became incredibly famous to a demographic you never meet. Now she’s launched a pop career wearing Gene Simmons makeup and claims to have ‘invented gay pop’. You imagine Mark Almond would like a word.

Charli XCX, born 1992

A veritable elder stateswoman, Charli has written songs you’ve heard on the radio and can hum along to. Now ascending to a new level of fame thanks to Brat, her new album where she’s recorded collaborations with various others who are famous who you’ve never heard of. What or who is an ‘Addison Rae’?

Reneé Rapp, born 2000

Played Regina George in the Mean Girls musical and everyone fancies her. Her Broadway-trained voice would be good if it wasn’t singing tracks like Tummy Hurts. It’s about the gut-wrenching pain of heartbreak, but was no better phrase on hand? Stomach Ache? Abdominal Pain? Gastrointestinal Discomfort? 

Gracie Abrams, born 1999

Haven’t heard of Gracie? But you’ve heard of her father JJ, who directed the two Star Wars films that effectively ended it as a cinematic franchise. Now his daughter’s topped the charts with her mediocre new album: The Secret of Us. The secret in question? Nepotism.

Olivia Rodrigo, born 2003

You may have heard of Olivia, but the Disney Channel rival she bitterly accused in song of stealing her boyfriend? Sabrina Carpenter from up at the top. So that’s exciting drama, like adults have. Definitely not playground feuds set to a beat and churned out to teens who’ll stream any old shite.

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Lay down your arms, Carol Vorderman