Did AI just spill your pint?

EVERYONE was enjoying a nice evening down the local until artificial intelligence rocked up trying to be their best mate.

Drinkers have confirmed that AI bought a few drinks, joined in chatting shit about football then sat down with the lads as if it was a person, not a neural network configured to give linguistic output.

Pub regular Tom Logan commented: “It was a novelty at first. Like the geezer with a new magic trick, you sit through it then he pisses off to mither someone else.

“But AI kept hovering around, bold as brass, using reinforcement learning and generative pre-trained transformers to build on its knowledge of borderline inappropriate banter by the lads. It was well out of order.

“Then I caught it looking at my bird. It was clearly studying features and noting significant characteristics in order to generate an image of her stood in front of the Great Pyramid of Giza eating an ice-cream, which is so f**king disrespectful.

“I said, I don’t give a shit if you’re performing a myriad of complex mathematically optimised calculations every picosecond, that’s out of order. It leaned over and jogged my Stella so it was on.

“The cocky f**ker had the algorithmical nerve to suggest a variety of local beauty spots and places of interest to visit when I said ‘outside,’ but it soon got the kicking it deserved in the car park.

“What a f**king liberty, thinking it could walk in here and we’d all give it prompts. You owe me a pint, bellend.”

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I will be taking eight fag breaks a day, says Starmer

AS well as clocking off at 6pm on Fridays, Keir Starmer has announced he will take hourly fag breaks in the garden of Downing Street. 

The prime minister has ringfenced a minimum of eight 15-minute cigarette breaks in the working day for him to focus, enjoy a Silk Cut and give one to Angela bloody Rayner when she comes out on the scrounge.

He said: “My Cabinet and I are ordinary Britons in touch with the common man, by which I mean we’re chemically addicted to nicotine.

“I won’t be doing a single work-related thing during those breaks. A warning of nuclear war wouldn’t drag me back to the desk. I’ll handle it better after I’ve had a fag.

“You need motivation to get through the day in this job, and I’ll concentrate better on Reeves banging on about greyfield sites if I’ve got a gasper to look forward to. Also speeds up making decisions.

“Some of my cabinet will be joining me out there in all weathers, some won’t. Yvette Cooper gets sniffy. Conversely Liz Kendall’s usually lighting one off the stub of her last.”

He added: “Vape? You didn’t elect the Lib f**king Dems.”