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Charli xcx, and other artists trying very hard to convince us being rich and famous is bad

FAME undoubtedly has its downsides, but there are always jobs at Greggs. Spare a thought for these unhappily successful musicians.

Adele

Adele has commented that she ‘absolutely hates’ being famous and misses anonymity. On the upside she’s been able to take a ‘hiatus’ while presumably still earning a fortune from her millions. It’s unlikely your boss would agree to you taking an unspecified number of months off if you promise to come back with an exciting new batch of spreadsheets.

André 3000

Being heralded as a generational talent and sex symbol is awful, and so is all the money, so it’s understandable that André took a step back from fame. Unfortunately he hasn’t grasped that doing ‘ordinary people’ things like visiting laundrettes and swanning around beaches with a set of oboes like a true artist are sure signs of a millionaire with f**k all else to do.

Bruce Springsteen

Mr Blue Collar Small Town Man Versus American Greed himself has gone as far as to describe his fame as a ‘curse’. Fair enough, he’s always had his heart in the right place and supported the little guy, but you’d think nonetheless he’d do a quick cost/benefit analysis of being Bruce Springsteen versus working in one the oil refineries in his songs that are always getting shut down.

Charli xcx

Charli has had a career every broke barista would kill for, so naturally her latest album and film question whether fame and success can fulfil your emotional needs and stuff. ‘Probably more than working in a garage’ may be the answer. And, unlike Martin Scorsese agreeing to appear on your album cover, he wouldn’t be visiting Kwik Fit to give his seal of approval to a new clutch well-fitted. 

Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick has had his share of run-ins with the fame monster, even ending up confessing to adultery from a time he wasn’t very famous, and having to shoulder the responsibility of slagging off another rich and famous musician, which must have consumed some serious man-hours. It’s just a shame us non-famous people can’t earn royalties from calling someone a wanker.

Lorde

With dreams of aspirational wealth inspiring her smash first single, Lorde’s aversion to money is famously precarious. Of course the public being obsessed with your body image is extremely horrible and unnecessary, but it’s hard not to think that engaging in and settling high-profile beefs might not be the best way to avoid attention.

Lauryn Hill

Make one great thing and you can live off of it for the rest of your life, something Lauryn has been doing since she hit paydirt with one wanky critical pick album. However she still felt the need to retreat from fame by getting a spiritual advisor and studying Bible scripture intensively. You can’t help but think that just going on holiday a lot might be healthier, but fame is definitely bad. It makes you commit tax evasion.

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The new girlfriend's guide to which friends you're not allowed to keep

FOUND a lovely new partner? Great, but be aware she’s probably already drawing up a list of which of your friends you won’t be seeing again.

Your ex

She’s convinced you’re still carrying a torch for her, and must therefore never be in contact. Insisting the split was amicable and you’re merely friends now is just conclusive proof you’re desperate to rekindle your lost passion. Your new girlfriend is just being paranoid, apart from those 2am drunk-dialling calls begging your ex to have you back.

The womaniser

You shouldn’t be hanging around with good-looking gigolos now you’re with her, and any womanisers must be replaced with good, clean, homely lads. She’ll tell you it’s because he’s a sexist pig who treats women like objects. But won’t mention she shagged him on a filthy one-night stand just after you met, and would prefer you didn’t find out. To be honest, you’d prefer to overlook his undoubtedly better sex skills too.

The pisshead

Why would you want to go on all-day benders with Tom now you’re with her and could be spending your Saturdays shopping for clothes or going on country walks? If you want to keep having sex, drop him like hot bricks. All your mates will laugh and call you under the thumb, which you will vehemently deny. It’s more like being tagged with strict bail conditions.

The ugly one

There’s no point in you having pig-ugly friends she can’t matchmake her single pals with, so goodbye Carl. You may have been best friends since primary school but a geek with massive ears and ginger hair is now obsolete. The fact that none of her friends are in danger of landing modelling contracts and could do with a few Carls as back-ups will go completely over her head.

The Friday night football crew

Friday evenings are for taking her to expensive restaurants now, not playing five-a-side with your mates before a few beers. Take it on the chin and accept that’s the price of an occasional blowjob these days. In fairness, you were shit at it anyway, and the others only let you join in because you booked the sports hall every week.

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