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Only play in your own tournaments: Donald Trump's tips for better golf

MANY people find it hard to master golf, unlike Tiger Woods and me. But follow these tips and you’ll be winning tournaments with surprising frequency.

Pick up the ball 

This involves bending down and tossing your ball out of the rough and onto the fairway. Is it in fact the oldest trick in the book and just blatant cheating? No. It requires great golfing skill when you’re grossly overweight and one wrong sudden move could result in a horrific nappy incident.

Only play in your own tournaments

Not everyone owns their own golf course, but who cares about other people? Tell your golf club staff they’ll all be fired if you lose and inform other players they’ll be barred from future events if they beat you. Does this count as ‘winning’ in any meaningful sense? It does if you think you won a Nobel Peace Prize by bullying a woman into giving you hers.

Own the fastest golf cart 

It’s been widely reported that I own an unusually fast golf cart that allows me to arrive at the balls long before other players. Is this related to my known habit of hurling their balls into lakes and the rough? No, I just like to keep up the pace so I can get back to important presidential tasks like completely defeating Iran, again.

Threaten legal action 

If you’re losing, angrily tell your opponent you’ve seen him cheating and you’ll be suing him for $10 billion. When he denies it and says no one has ever done that over a game of amateur golf, point out the stress and cost of hiring a lawyer will ruin his life anyway. He’ll quickly realise you are the superior golfer. 

Play by yourself

On a new course I always play the very first round alone and immediately put my name at the top of the winners’ board. Is this a completely hollow achievement, like saying you’re successful with women because you keep groping them and using the services of a sex trafficker? I don’t think so, and I have no idea why I thought of those examples. 

Take over your opponent’s ball 

Not many people realise you can start using your opponent’s ball if it’s closer to the hole than yours. Whenever I’ve been seen doing this people have complained that you can’t do that in golf, but only the top players know this elite rule. I’m ranked number one in the world, by the way. I have been since 1980.

Open your nappy 

Make your opponent fluff crucial shots by standing close to him and stretching wide the elasticated waistband of your adult nappy, the liquid and solid contents of which have been sweatily brewing since breakfast. There is nothing in PGA rules that says you can’t do this.

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How to be a completely predictable serial fantasist, by Professor Jason Arday

WOULD you like to impress friends, strangers and edit Radio 4’s Today by telling the same lies every other fantasist does? Take my accredited course in how.

Be a child prodigy

Other people were just children. You’re better than that. Your childhood was one of overcoming adversity, passing GCSEs while unable to read or write and playing pool professionally. Or rather mine was, but invent something equally sensational. Perhaps you spent two years being raised by dolphins while solving the Riemann Hypothesis?

Be the youngest to do something

It’s key to have a solid foundation for later fabulism, so claim to have been the youngest person to have done a thing. It could be skydiving into Machu Picchu, synthesising a new kind of rat, swimming through Kent’s underground waterways or simply unmasking the Zodiac killer. Otherwise later claims may seem to come out of nowhere and lack credibility.

Raise millions for charity

Nobody doubts a charitable fundraiser, so pretend to be one. Let your lies be unrestrained. You unicycled to the South Pole for children with cancer! You surfed an active volcano for six days, raising ten million for Help for Heroes! You tamed a tiger and rode it through the centre of Colchester for Dogs That Unaccountably Feel Sad! It will all be believed.

Beat cancer

It is mandatory for the fantasist to conquer cancer. It should be a type of cancer doctors are unfamiliar with which they tell you is terminal but you refuse to accept. Perhaps you conduct your own research? Certainly you triumph over the odds and are now completely recovered, no impairments, no follow-up treatment needed, it’s as if it never happened.

Have far-flung achievements

Nobody knows anything about other countries so you can say what you like. I claimed to be a visiting professor in Ohio, South Africa and Glasgow, wherever that is, and nobody checked. So whether you say you were supreme court justice of Micronesia, leader of the Cabo Delgado insurgency or president of Tonga, keep it distant.

Imply it’s everyone else’s fault

When discovered, radiate pity. If you hadn’t been marked for greatness as a child then perhaps your horizons would be this low. Perhaps you’d have nothing better to do than poke holes in the inspiring life story of, let’s face it, a demigod. Leave them in your wake. Don’t even levitate until they’re out of view. They don’t deserve your miracle.

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