Children told they will watch The Clangers and like it

PARENTS have ordered their children to love the new series of The Clangers or find somewhere else to live.

The reboot of the classic show about mouse-like aliens who eat soup starts next week and excited parents across the country have warned that it will be mandatory viewing.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “It will be charming and magical.

“They’ve even got Michael Palin doing the voiceover. It’s like a wonderful dream that makes me feel as if life hasn’t quite succeeded in crushing me under its gigantic, cast iron heel.

“Anyway, I’ve told my four year-old son that if he doesn’t like it then we’re probably not related which means that mummy was having an affair, we’re getting divorced and he will have to go and live in the attic of a derelict hospital.”

Four year-old Sam Bishop said: “I saw the trailer and it looks awful. But I lie all the time anyway, so this won’t be a stretch. I imagine there will also be a tedious avalanche of branded merchandise.

“If he asks me to do the Soup Dragon noise in front of my grandparents, I will leave. I’m not some dancing monkey.”

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Youth gangs warring over best streaming service

GANGS wearing the colours of Apple Music, Deezer, Spotify and Tidal are battling for supremacy on the streets.  

Teenagers, each fanatically devoted to the music streaming service they subscribe to, have vowed to wipe their rivals from the face of the earth. 

Apple gang leader Helen Archer, wearing a necklace of severed ears, said: “There can be only one. 

“Just like my grandfather battered mods with a motorcycle chain, I’m garrotting anyone who dares say artists can survive on $0.007 per play with my Beats headphones. 

“Because music is important.”

42-year-old Joseph Turner said: “They grabbed me when I’d ventured out for supplies and held me down, a knife to my groin, while they checked the apps on my phone. 

“I tried to tell them I just buy mp3s from Amazon but they didn’t believe anyone could be that backward.

“They wouldn’t let me go until I agreed to a free three-month trial with exclusives from artists including Drake, The Black Keys and SBTRKT.”