UNCHARTED, based on a PlayStation game, is a box-office hit so inevitably Hollywood will greenlight films based on these 80s classics:
Chuckie Egg, 1983
Tom Hardy will star as Hen-House Harry because only he has the physical presence needed to play a farmer struggling through 40 levels of malevolent chickens and the relatability to bring true emotional depth to his Ahab moment of being pursued by a giant duck.
Atic Atac, 1983
This spooky 48K medieval adventure merits a director of Shakespearean gravitas: Sir Kenneth Branagh. With Chris Hemsworth as the knight struggling to overcome his problem of only being able to carry three items at once, and comic relief from Tina Fey as a serf. Will they escape the castle, which is a metaphor for capitalism?
Daley Thompson’s Decathlon, 1984
An athlete pushes himself to the limit. Ten events. Only three lives. Admittedly the limited gameplay of hammering buttons to make Daley compete needs development. Perhaps Daley is a war veteran who wrongly blames himself for the death of his best friend? Worse ideas have won Oscars.
Zoids: The Battle Begins, 1986
Toy-based mecha game in which you died rapidly without any idea what was going on. The futile and depressing film version would be right up Lars von Trier’s street.
Bubble Bobble, 1986
A buddy movie about two dinosaurs trying to rescue their girlfriends from the Cave of Monsters? It’s a wonder it hasn’t been made already. Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill play heroes Bub and Bob, popping bubbles and beating baddies until they discover final boss Super Drunk was their parents all along.
Tir Na Nog, 1984
Guaranteed box office gold. Although the game was mainly notable for a strong walking animation, it had a fantasy setting and an Irish theme, and Americans lap that shit up. Liam Neeson to star, Colin Farrell as his sidekick, release it on St Patrick’s Day.
An arcade favourite which, like Marvel, has a ready-made fanbase of nerds nostalgic for their wasted youth. The story would just be a series of near-identical space battles, but in what at the time was a mind-blowing twist – spoiler alert – the aliens peel off and dive at you. M Night Shyamalan to direct.