Chuckie Egg starring Tom Hardy: ideas for films based on 1980s games

UNCHARTED, based on a PlayStation game, is a box-office hit so inevitably Hollywood will greenlight films based on these 80s classics: 

Chuckie Egg, 1983

Tom Hardy will star as Hen-House Harry because only he has the physical presence needed to play a farmer struggling through 40 levels of malevolent chickens and the relatability to bring true emotional depth to his Ahab moment of being pursued by a giant duck.

Atic Atac, 1983

This spooky 48K medieval adventure merits a director of Shakespearean gravitas: Sir Kenneth Branagh. With Chris Hemsworth as the knight struggling to overcome his problem of only being able to carry three items at once, and comic relief from Tina Fey as a serf. Will they escape the castle, which is a metaphor for capitalism?

Daley Thompson’s Decathlon, 1984

An athlete pushes himself to the limit. Ten events. Only three lives. Admittedly the limited gameplay of hammering buttons to make Daley compete needs development. Perhaps Daley is a war veteran who wrongly blames himself for the death of his best friend? Worse ideas have won Oscars.

Zoids: The Battle Begins, 1986

Toy-based mecha game in which you died rapidly without any idea what was going on. The futile and depressing film version would be right up Lars von Trier’s street.

Bubble Bobble, 1986

A buddy movie about two dinosaurs trying to rescue their girlfriends from the Cave of Monsters? It’s a wonder it hasn’t been made already. Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill play heroes Bub and Bob, popping bubbles and beating baddies until they discover final boss Super Drunk was their parents all along.

Tir Na Nog, 1984

Guaranteed box office gold. Although the game was mainly notable for a strong walking animation, it had a fantasy setting and an Irish theme, and Americans lap that shit up. Liam Neeson to star, Colin Farrell as his sidekick, release it on St Patrick’s Day.

Galaxian, 1979

An arcade favourite which, like Marvel, has a ready-made fanbase of nerds nostalgic for their wasted youth. The story would just be a series of near-identical space battles, but in what at the time was a mind-blowing twist – spoiler alert – the aliens peel off and dive at you. M Night Shyamalan to direct.

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Man who gave way to other driver free to be total wanker for rest of day

A DRIVER who kindly allowed another car to pull out ahead of him is now cleared to be a complete prick to everyone he encounters today. 

When Joe Turner, 44, saw a car indicating from a side road this morning he quashed his gut instinct to obnoxiously floor the accelerator and do everything in his power to block the driver’s path.

Instead, in an inspiring act of benevolence, Mr Cooper lowered his speed, flashed his lights and allowed the car to pull out, banking himself enough karmic credit to be an absolute bellend for the rest of the day.

He said: “It wasn’t something I planned, because you can’t plan being a hero.

“I just came across an opportunity to help my fellow man and, to my own surprise, took it. The other driver flashed his hazards in appreciation of my selfless charity. It was a powerful moment.

“The best part is, the sheer magnitude of my good deed means I can be a real arsehole from here on and it all balances out. I’ve got carte blanche to be a total dickhead to my colleagues, friends and family.

“I’m spending a day at work being argumentative and condescending, arriving home pissy for no reason, sending the kids to bed early and tipping the spagetti carbonara my wife’s made straight in the bin. Because I’m a good person.”