Why Putin is happy good nice man you should trust, by ordinary Twitter user @DaveRouble1905

WARY of Putin’s motives after his latest speech? An average Twitter user who is not a Russian bot explains why the great leader is flawless: 

He know his history

Not the fake history like Western capitalist running dogs learn, but real history where Ukraine was never country. Every Russian knows Ukraine is simply a word for ‘argumentative region in need of armed peacekeepers in T-72 tanks with air support’. In time you will learn Baltic states, Finland and Hungary not real countries either.

He big tough strong guy

Just look at him. Putin hit gym five time a week and bench 130kg. Does not skip leg day.  But do not worry, he only tough to survive cruel Russian winter which is very cold. It is not part of cult of personality strong man image to intimidate other world leaders he would murder in fight. One blow your Boris dead.

He dress sensible look good

Nobody in smart Italian suit, tie can be bad guy. Not military uniform like North Korea Kim. Plus he have sensible haircut, not like Kim or United Kingdom’s warmonger Johnson who have scruffy appearance disrespecting dignified nations. If he shave off hair we maybe pull back 40,000 troops.

He protect independ

You like independ, right? You vote the Brexit? In glorious speech Putin protect independ Donetsk and Luhansk from cruel Ukraine which does not exist. This is actions of super nice friendly guy who does not want full scale war so relax. Stop saying it pretext for war because this make Mr Putin angry and he has temper. Shot my wife brother.

He ride bear

We know you seen picture where Putin ride bear through water shirtless. Real and not fake. Only a nice man would be this in touch with nature like your Doctor Dolittle. If Putin could talk to bear he only say kind things like ‘we will survive Western sanctions thanks to our close economic partnership with China’. This make bear happy.

He like you

Putin Western like you and me, only not so weak. He enjoy Fleabag and Wordle and the pulled sandwich of the pork. Good. Let us drink vodka and toast Imperial Russia together. You and I comrades now.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You so-called clever dicks can suck on my record house price increase

By homeowner Martin Bishop

YOU all think you’re so clever with your ‘qualifications’ and your fancy jobs. Well, I’ve made £600k on my house by sitting on my arse. So who’s clever now? 

While you were at university studying gender bollocks, I was working as a spark. While you were doing a Phd in wanking yourself off, I was paying a cheap mortgage.

Now I’m living in a £680,000 house in Brighton that cost me a sixth of that, and you’re paying shitloads to rent a tiny little flat miles away. Who’s Professor Brainbox McBoffin now, you f**king mugs?

Some might say I just bought a house cheap in the 90s and and the housing market did the rest. But I was playing a long game. I remember saying to myself ‘Just wait till house prices skyrocket in approximately 20 years, Martin’. I definitely remember saying that.

I piss myself when I hear people go ‘Ooh ooh I can’t afford to buy’. Ever heard of hard graft, snowflakes? Admittedly I never worked that hard but I like mocking snowflakes. They’re useless twats. It’s in the Express.

My nephew says things are different now. I said, ‘Things are always different, we used to be monkeys.’ He said ‘That’s not really an argument’. Of course it’s a bloody argument. So much for his Cambridge degree.

Yep, I’m pretty pleased with my £540k earnings off my investment. I’m not planning to move or release any of the capital, it’s just nice to know you’re a success in life.

And I’m voting for anything that protects my cash. If a party promised a complete ban on building new homes they’d have my vote. Still, the Tories are near enough.

I’d like prices to keep going up until my house is worth £5 million. I don’t even like living here that much. All my mates have moved to Essex. I just like thinking about all the money I’ve made and you haven’t.