Britain less keen on war with hard opponent

BRITAIN is markedly less enthusiastic about war with an opponent that started it and is hard as nails, it has emerged. 

The UK, which was all over invading Iraq and bombing Afghanistan, is nowhere near as eager to get into armed conflict with the world’s fifth-largest army and all its tanks and guns.

Stephen Malley, who is usually hawkish in any conflict, said: “Iraq, well that was a war for justice. Afghanistan? Something had to be done about Osama Bin-Laden. Ukraine? Is it really our business?

“It’s not that I’m afraid of Russia. No way. It’s just that, well, they’ve got a bit of a reputation haven’t they? Stalingrad and all that. The Red Army advancing across Europe and staying in most of it for 40 years.

“Saddam Hussain was a bad man and all, but you could take the piss. Nobody takes the piss out of Putin. He poisoned the whole of Salisbury and we were just like ‘well don’t do it again’.

“There’s most of a continent between Russia and us. They own our newspapers, banks and football clubs. Obviously Britain can beat anyone when our dander’s up, but I’m just saying you choose your fights.

“How about we let Russia have this one and we keep our powder dry for if Morocco threatens Gibraltar? That’s more our kind of war.”

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Six poncey things to do with your home office now you've been sent back to the real one

WORKERS are back in the office, and middle-class workers who spunked thousands on home offices look like dicks. Here’s some twattish things to do with them: 

Home gym

Now that your home office is entirely redundant, why not piss away thousands more turning it into a gym which will remain equally unused? Imagine how fulfilled you’ll feel when you pull a hamstring sitting in the rowing machine watching YouTube on your phone.

Walk-in wardrobe

Just like the Kardashians, you too can have a special room for all your clothes, luxurious and tastefully lit. Except you have nowhere near as many clothes, loads don’t fit, and outside the darkness of the wardrobe they look tatty and it smells like a dusty charity shop.

Child’s bedroom

Since your kids have left home, you thought you’d get rid of their rooms for your office. But the sense of security you gave them meant they did arts degrees and have zero chance of finding gainful employment. They’re moving back in and they’ll be there until their mid-30s.

Mood room

Despite having absolutely no idea what a mood room is, Nigella Lawson has one so you crave one. You’ve now painted a room mauve and you aimlessly wander in there when there’s nothing on telly, then watch YouTube on your phone.


A manly cave for men, full of man’s stuff like sports memorabilia and gaming consoles and framed posters for 90s rap albums. A place for a man to be a man, where you go and realise that all you’ve done is clear all the shit your wife hates from every other room of the house.


Nothing screams ‘mid-life crisis’ like constructing an underwhelming replica of a pub in your own home. Instead of having a pint in an actual pub with real people you can now sidle into your spare room and get hammered on draught Grolsch alone, watching YouTube.