Cinemagoer wishes he lived in universe where multiverses don't exist

A FILM viewer weary of the latest movie gimmick wishes he lived in a universe where multiverses do not exist, he has revealed.

Martin Bishop has fantasised about an alternate reality where film audiences can keep track of what the hell is going on and superheroes do not keep meeting themselves in a way played for laughs.

He said: “Imagine it. A universe where directors are forced to tell a coherent story in 90 minutes without you needing to have seen a dozen other crap films beforehand. Sounds like heaven.

“You could just read the listing, buy a ticket if it took your fancy, and have an enjoyable time. You wouldn’t even have to hang around for a bollocks post-credits scene that only hardcore nerds find entertaining. 

“In a scenario of infinite universes, such a utopia must, by definition, exist out there somewhere.

“Instead I’m trapped in this nightmarish realm where they’re even bunging different film universes together. The possibility of Buzz Lightyear, Harry Potter and Optimus Prime gatecrashing a James Bond film is surely only a few years away. 

“I’ll go and see it out of morbid curiosity, so they’ll think I like it and make shitloads of sequels.

“Admittedly Into The Spider-Verse was f**king incredible, but was it worth pop culture devolving into a gratuitous act of auto-fellatio? No.”

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A new legal high, and five other things your dad suspects Ice Spice may be

RAPPER Ice Spice is massively popular with Generation Z. As such, your ageing father hasn’t got a clue who or what an ‘ice spice’ is. Here are his theories on the subject.

A new legal high

Young people enjoy Ice Spice. Young people also enjoy ingesting dangerous substances. Your dad therefore hypothesises that Ice Spice could be the latest trendy legal high to sweep the ‘youth scene’, with youngsters across the country gleefully huffing it from balloons in parks and nightclubs instead of taking proper drugs.

A car air freshener

Forest fresh, wild cherry, summer cotton, ice spice – it just has that air freshener sound. The words evoke a sense of cleansing freshness your dad would happily hang from his rear-view mirror in the form of a cardboard tree. However, he doesn’t fully understand why a car air freshener would achieve such enormous acclaim among the younger generation.  

A type of coffee from Starbucks

Having vaguely heard of a pumpkin spice latte, your dad has arrived at the conclusion that ice spice could very well be some kind of iced coffee beverage. It certainly sounds like something you’d pay an aproned hipster £4.50 for the pleasure of drinking.

A new type of Old Spice

Your dad remembers the happy times when there was only one fragrance for men, Old Spice aftershave. Okay, you smelt like some sort of pickled vegetable and it felt like rubbing caustic soda on your face, but he’s nonetheless thrilled that people have seen sense and abandoned all this flash-in-the-pan Calvin Klein and Armani nonsense.

A Nintendo game  

The title of every video game – aside from Pong and Asteroids – is completely incomprehensible to your father. To him, they all sound something like Elite Modern Combat Warfare Death Drive 6. It is, he believes, entirely possible Ice Spice is a game kids are playing on the MarioBox or X-Tube or whatever the stupid thing’s called.

A way of saying ‘cool’

As far as your old man is concerned, the younger generation’s vocabulary is at least 70 per cent utter bollocks. And they already have many bizarre ways of expressing that something is cool – ‘dope, ‘sick’, ‘lit’, ‘fire’, ‘fleek’. ‘Ice spice’ could just be the latest bit of unintelligible nonsense kids are using to describe something as good. Yes, that’ll be it.