Coronation vs Eurovision: Which is the better watch? Cast your vote

WITH the Coronation out of the way TV viewers have moved on to Eurovision. But which is the better watch for you? Take part in our poll.

The costumes

A) Do you like swords, crowns and ornate, embroidered robes which look so expensive they seem to actively be taking the piss out of people struggling with the cost of living crisis?

B) Are you more into sequins and spandex and secretly wished that halfway through the Coronation someone had whipped off Camilla’s dress to reveal a very short one underneath?


A) Do you enjoy seeing pale white men honouring another pale while man in a boring magic ceremony? (Although they did have a black a capella choir, which they can do without risk of embarrassment now Prince Philip isn’t around.)

B) Do you prefer an event where every colour, sexuality, class and creed is welcome? (Although the universal message of love and peace is slightly undermined by everyone sending weapons to blow the shit out of Russia.)

The music

A) Patchy at best, but good if the only males and their organs you want to see are very old and playing hymns. There’s a small concession to modernity with the pop concert, which this year featured Katy Perry, Nicole Scherzinger and the reanimated corpse of Lionel Richie. Very much the best of British.

B) Patchy at best, but that’s kind of the point. In 67 years there’s been one genuinely good act, Abba, so it’s not like you weren’t warned. Good music would be a waste anyway, because everyone’s too pissed to remember it. However credit due for not involving Olly Murs or social-climbing twats Take That.


A) A fully-televised long weekend which by Monday had caused you to fall out with traitorous family members who tried to change channels, and also several neighbours complaining about the parking situation due to your street party, the f**king Quislings.

B) A main show that’s mercifully just four solid hours of wildly varying ‘entertainment’ and stilted banter. Plus there’s the slim chance of a cameraman catching one of singers snorting coke off a table like that bloke from Måneskin in 2021.

The politics

A) Prime ministers old and new are invited and even allowed to give speeches. This year an MP previously best known for appearing on Splash! did a Game of Thrones/Stars Wars cosplay mash-up, and that’s normal.

B) Greece gives Cyprus full marks and vice versa. Everyone hates the UK because the British Empire kept killing them 200 years ago and awards us nul points. Or so we thought until we actually had a good song last year. It turns out we’d just been shit for decades.


Mostly As. You voted Coronation. You are a staunch Royalist who loves pomp, ceremony and pageantry. A week later your house is still 80 per bunting and you’ve still got seven Coronation Quiches to force down.

Mostly Bs. You voted Eurovision. You’re covered in body paint and high on life, or rather MDMA. You’ve started to listen to Lulu’s 1969 entry Boom Bang A Bang of your own free will. You are a maniac.

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Butt-ugly man offering his opinions on beautiful women

AN unattractive man confidently makes judgements about gorgeous women as if he might have a chance of sleeping with them, it has emerged.

Bill McKay, 43, likes to ogle and then harshly criticise women he sees on the street, in a way that suggests he is a potential love-match for them and does not have double chins and beady little eyes like a rat.

McKay said: “See that bird over there? Big tits but if you look really closely you’ll see one is very slightly bigger than the other. Bit odd. Not into that.

“And that other one, standing at the bus stop? Nice face but her thighs are a bit thick. Probably goes to the gym too much. That would put me right off in the bedroom.”

McKay does not restrict his judgements to women on public transport, at the supermarket or queuing in Greggs, also critiquing famous women there really is zero chance of him bedding.

He said: “Take that Blake Lively. She’s a looker but she’s got a massive mole by her nose which ruins her beauty. I’d have to shut my eyes when I went to snog her.

“The world is full of lovely looking girls, but there’s always one or two little details that completely put me off them. But that’s the price you pay for having standards – not getting a shag since 1998.”