YOU may think you’ve got the business acumen to take part in The Apprentice, but you’ll need to be a sizeable twat as well. See if you’ve got what it takes.
Shit business ideas
You must genuinely believe your coffee table that doubles as a cat litter tray has no flaws whatsoever. Your idea to make a beetroot-flavoured fizzy drink, meanwhile, is as important to the world as finding a way to end poverty.
Total willingness to be humiliated
You must be prepared to be publically humiliated week after week by an ageing knobhead drunk on the power of being on reality TV and running a 1980s computer company. And smile obsequiously while he’s doing it.
A strange personality
Imagine business bore Duncan Bannatyne mating with arch-wanker Piers Morgan and somehow producing a child. Now imagine it 35 years later, all grown up and looking like some sort of budget Bond villain in an M&S suit. That is you.
You must be happy to say “I’m what success looks like!” and not realise millions of viewers are gleefully shouting “WANKER!”. Other phrases in your lexicon should include things like “I am the brand” and “There’s no bullshit in ‘team’”.
Total lack of shame
During challenges you should see no problem in offering a small trader £5 for an antique mirror worth £175 and being told to fuck off. This may explain why you run a failing ‘marketing & PR’ firm above a chip shop in Wolverhampton.
A large streak of thinly veiled evil
Much of the entertainment value of The Apprentice comes from watching contestants try to shaft each other so blatantly even Sir Alan doesn’t want them anywhere near his video phone business.