Couple's break-up on train enters Rotten Tomatoes top ten

A COUPLE’S devastating public argument has been declared a masterpiece after audiences highly rated both its plot and execution.

Emma Bradford and Nathan Muir started bickering on a journey between London and Crewe, the beginning of a powerful 94-minute relationship drama that critics say should be nominated for a BAFTA.

Spectator Helen Archer said: “They built the tension really slowly, right from the moment he said she was hogging the armrest and she accused him of saying she had fat elbows.

“From then on it was a note-perfect masterclass of passive-aggressive sniping until the big reveal that actually he had slept with Jenny from the office and things really kicked off. What a twist, I was on the edge of my seat.

“They gave such authentic performances as well, right down to the snot on her t-shirt. And then there was the unexpected physical comedy of her throwing his phone down the aisle, which released a bit of the emotional pressure before he suddenly broke down in anguished, heart-rending sobs. Honestly, bravo.”

Emma Bradford said: “Well, I’m glad you all enjoyed one of the worst experiences of my life. But I will say that if Hollywood wants to remake it then I insist Scarlett Johansson plays me, while Nathan’s part will be done by Danny DeVito.”

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Six objects men pick up and pretend are a gun

‘YOU talkin’ to me?’ men say into mirrors while holding a cordless drill, or any of these vaguely gun-shaped objects:

A banana

Spotting a banana in a fruit bowl, a man hears the imaginary sound of two masked intruders kicking the kitchen door in. Wheeling and grabbing the banana in an instant, he fires a fusillade of shots from his deadly musa acuminita while diving behind the fridge. Both die instantly.

A cordless vacuum

This futuristic plasma weapon is perfect for combatting ghosts, aliens or mere invaders beaming in from an alternative future. Can be fired either one-handed or, using the extended barrel, to deliver a superheated stream of molten death straight from the hip.

A hairdryer

‘Maybe not, motherf**ker,’ men casually say while raising the hairdryer from its concealed position beneath the dressing table. ‘Say hello to my little friend. Now, give me one reason to let you live. Uh? Not good enough,’ before triggering maximum heat and flow. Boom.

A weed puller

This dandelion-removing tool not only has the right long-barrelled shape but requires a shotgun-racking moment to dispose of the weed into the correct recycling bin. It looks like he’s doing the garden: actually he’s Arnie in Terminator 2, blowing holes in the T-1000. The part of John Connor is played by a rosebush.

An upholstery stapler

Not shaped like any weapon used by conventional police forces but has a trigger and actually fires something, delivering a satisfying kickback. Furniture restorers must enjoy cloudless psychological health after double-tapping all their enemies in the back of the head hundreds of times a day.

A massage gun

This girlfriend’s birthday present even has gun in the name, so what choice does a man have but to pose in the mirror with it before dropping to one knee and taking out an entire squad of Navy SEALs with precisely aimed centre-mass single shots? Before massaging said girlfriend’s back in the vain hope of a shag?