THE chances are that male pattern baldness is coming for you and the results vary wildly. Where on the spectrum will you end up?
If you’re a bit chubby, have no facial hair and go bald, the sad truth is that you’ll end up looking like a walking, talking thumb. All you can do is avoid wearing turtleneck jumpers while you attempt to lose weight and gain a bit of definition on that jawline, which will help you graduate to an egg. Speaking of which…
Pale and round, like a golf ball sitting on a tee, eggs are thumbs-in-waiting that are still managing to cling onto a shred of self-respect despite the fact that they no longer have a lustrous head of hair. Their role model is Masterchef’s Gregg Wallace, or ‘King Egg’ as he is known in the slaphead community.
After years of struggling with baldness, you eventually decide it’s time to stop fannying around trying to hide it and just shave it all off. To compensate for this perceived loss of masculinity you grow an uber-macho, yet paradoxically femininely neat, beard. Andrew Tate is your hero, even though he’s a massive prick.
You could be a softly spoken, beta male librarian with a Renault Megane and a fear of confrontation, but the minute you’ve embraced your baldness and asked for a number one all over you instantly transform into ‘terrifyingly violent Millwall fan’. People cross the road to avoid you, which you actually enjoy because you’re terribly shy and introverted.
Bona fide sex god
Some blokes can pull off baldness and it makes women weak at the knees: just look at how funny they go over Stanley Tucci. However, given that you aren’t blessed with perfectly symmetrical features and natural suavity, you’re more likely to look like a misshapen swede that’s fallen off the back of a lorry.