Creepy men empowered by Miley Cyrus

SLEAZY middle-aged men have hailed Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance for boosting their self-confidence.

Creepiness campaigners hailed Cyrus rubbing her genitals against Robin Thicke’s ageing crotch as a pivotal moment.

46-year-old sex pest Tom Logan said: “When I deliberately press myself up against young women in crowded pubs, they tend to act disgusted.

“I always knew they wanted it really.

“They’re all whores, except my mum and my nan.”

Company director Roy Hobbs agreed: “I was actually beaten up once for hanging round outside a sixth form disco offering girls cigarettes.

“People need to realise creepy men have feelings too, sexual feelings towards younger women.

“Who may say they aren’t interested but isn’t the phrase ‘leave me alone’ just another example of a blurred line?

“I mean it sounds a bit like ‘lead me away’.”

Meanwhile MTV bosses have promised to keep their channel’s viewers in a state of confused arousal.

A spokesman said: “You want breasts and vaginas combined with random surrealistic imagery such as giant dancing bears and masks with cheese leaking out of them.

“We promise to keep you randy and bewildered.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

People who highlight minor grammar points are amazing

THE ability to spot a minor grammar error is proof that you are amazing, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that people who loudly exclaim about apostrophes and ‘who versus whom’ are actually better than everyone else.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In no way are any of these people vain, arsey pedants.

“Grammar perfectionists are both intellectually and morally superior to other types of human.

“The way they selflessly dedicate themselves to correct punctuation, for example by pointing out to the staff of a chip shop why the term ‘chip’s’ is a sloppy obfuscation, confirms they are bold and righteous individuals.

“If grammar people just learned to let things go sometimes, where would we be as a civilisation? Just fighting in mud, probably.”

56-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Heaven forbid that my scrupulous attention to linguistic detail should be driven by intellectual vanity.

“The reason I loudly vocalise my frustration about a writer confusing ‘that’ and which’ is because of my passion for good English.

“It’s not that I want a crowded room to know how clever I am.”

43-year-old pedant Mary Fisher said: “So we are ‘generally better’? Better than whom? Better is a relative term.

“But perhaps you didn’t know that.”