THE leader of a rabid, fanatical cult last night issued a new decree to her international army of acolytes.
Level 12 High Priestess Taylor Swift, She Who Is Without Flaw, told her followers at last night’s Grammys that a new message from on high is coming and will be issued in a multiplicity of formats.
She said: “And lo, it is called The Tortured Poets Department. It will contain 16 tracks and a secret bonus song for my most devout disciples, as was foretold in the sacred runes.
“Expect lyrical odes that speak to your womanhood in a way that has been done for millennia, yet is revolutionary when performed by my holy self. Plus an abundance of riffs that long-suffering boyfriends will begrudgingly forced to admit do indeed ‘slap’.
“The album relief is posted on thine Instagram now. Go forth and like and share to secure your promotion to Level 5 enlightenment, my chosen ones, and neglect not to leave comments because the algorithm likes that.
“April 19. Pre-order and place the date in your diary. Think and speak of nothing else until that date, unless you are fortunate enough to attend my tour. If so, you may scream.”
Swiftie Eleanor Shaw said: “Would she like us to drink a draught of poisoned Kool-Aid? I would do so in a heartbeat. It’s easier than buying four limited-edition coloured vinyls.”