Man who arranged third date for Saturday night thinks he's being sneaky

A MAN who has casually arranged his third date on a Saturday night when the previous two were midweek genuinely believes she will never suspect. 

34-year-old Tom Logan has set up the date when neither party has any work commitments the following morning and is confident Sophie Rodriguez will not wonder why.

He said: “Our first date was on a Monday and I suggested just meeting for coffee, making me look super keen and not like someone who needs alcohol involved. Strategic.

“Once that one was quickly dispensed with, but still counts, our second was on a Thursday at a restaurant. We had a bottle of wine but, like a gentleman, I didn’t make any moves and I think she was impressed with that.

“And lo and behold, here we are at our third date and it’s on a Saturday. Who would have ever seen that one coming? All those excuses about needing to be home because it’s work in the morning are right out the window.

“I even checked if she had any plans on Sunday while feigning interest in her life and she’s just ‘going for a run’. I stopped myself saying ‘you’ll be well exercised already, love’. Don’t want to give the game away.

“The whole initial meeting to shag trajectory – or IM2ST, if you will – has been exquisitely timed. I hope she appreciates that, and that I’ll never call her again.”

Rodriguez said: “A Saturday? For the third date in a three-date series? Why, how unexpected!”

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'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money. 

The post-lockdown dog ownership boom has seen dogs accepted everywhere from hairdressers to cinemas to restaurants, as long as the dogs in question are responsibly owned and have names like Xavier and O’Connell.

Francesca Ryan said: “It’s a joy to welcome you and your dog into my gin distillery. I can’t think of a single way it would make anyone’s shopping experience less pleasant.

“However, I’m afraid that doesn’t apply if your dog isn’t a virtuous rescue, a named breed ending in ‘oo’ or ‘oodle’ or isn’t clad in a wonderfully ironic hand-knitted jumper. It just wouldn’t be right.

“It’s not really about behaviour, because middle-class dogs obey commands about as well as middle-class children. But when the owner half-heartedly shouts its name it should be called something like Akira or Hunter, not Tyson or Princess.

“The only exception that should be made is if the dog is a service dog, which I will of course allow regardless of breed or class after inspecting the necessary paperwork and as long as it’s not a Staffie.

“Above everything, I want to reassure everyone I am nothing if not principled. I also believe working-class dogs should not be allowed in public places.”