Current nightmarish geopolitical clusterf**k has us a bit out of our depth, Eurovision admits

THE organisers of a tacky, frivolous song contest have confirmed they did not sign up for trying to manage the complex political fallout of multiple wars.

The Eurovision Song Contest executive committee would like to return to the days when the biggest controversy they faced was crowning a bearded drag queen the winner, rather than being accused of tacitly supporting genocide.

Committee member Maarten Jansen said: “The Israel thing has been tricky for us for years, but we dealt with that as we do all of our problems, by covering it in glitter and ignoring it.

“However, their war against Hamas has us stumped. If we ban Israel, people will say we are sympathising with Hamas terrorists. And if we allow them to perform, people will say we approve of alleged war crimes. Neither of which really fit our brand identity of campy musical jollity.

“We much preferred the Russia-Ukraine war, as it was obvious who were the baddies and we looked great by kicking them out. If only all wars were such an easy win. For us, I mean.”

Viewer Nikki Hollis said: “Israel isn’t even in Europe. Couldn’t Eurovision just pretend they’ve only just realised and get them out on a technicality? Obviously that leaves the problem of Australia, but their songs are always shit, so who cares?”

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