We ask you: what secrets will defecting Tory MP Natalie Elphicke bring with her?

THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters? 

Lauren Hewitt, nutritionist: “Rishi Sunak’s true height. They’re lying to us with this five-foot-seven bullshit. No way he’s taller than Prince.”

Roy Hobbs, fishmonger: “I hope for her sake she’s brought a reason for the people of Dover not to kick her bitch ass out at the next election for five years supporting this shite.”

Susan Traherne, spoon vendor: “Could she have a reset code for Britain? Back to factory settings, kind of thing?”

Joanna Kramer, psychologist: “She could bring internal reports on the state of the party, revealing it to be deeply riven, held hostage by an extremist right wing and shattered by 14 years of failure. She’d be wasting her time, but she could.”

Joshua Hudson, student: “I dunno, maybe where all the f**king money’s gone?”

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Mansplaining man actually correct

ONLOOKERS are uncertain how to respond after realising that a man mansplaining to a woman is in fact correct and entirely right to do so.

After data services intern Lucy Parry made an error in a spreadsheet, manager Tom Logan explained her mistake in a manner which bystanders described as ‘condescending’, ‘patronising’ and ‘absolutely accurate in every respect’.

Co-worker Francesca Johnson said: “It deeply pains me to say it, but Tom is right. Lucy needs to hear this otherwise she’ll keep making the same mistake, and all the accusations of patriarchal entitlement in the world won’t change that.

“It’s a shame we can’t find another way to communicate the message to her, like if Tom was willing to talk through the medium of a glove puppet called Mr Wigglemuffins. Actually, maybe Mrs Wigglemuffins, as a male puppet might still be a bit sexist.

“Or perhaps we could get a female member of staff to repeat everything Tom says but in a much nicer, more encouraging tone. But is that just using a woman’s skills to make a man’s life easier? Christ, this is a nightmare.”

Tom Logan said: “This is not mansplaining, as the definition only applies if the woman already knows more than the man and Lucy clearly doesn’t.

“So I will now explain to her, slowly and clearly, why she’s wrong about that too.”