Daft Punk and five other bands you've been repeatedly told you like

DAFT Punk are splitting up and you’re meant to be sad, because they’re seminal because music writers love them. But do you? 

Daft Punk

Exhausted after an inhuman workrate of four albums and a tour in 28 years, more than any Frenchman could stand, Daft Punk are retiring to smoke purposefully while staring at the Paris skyline. Also, one of those albums is universally disregarded while the others are largely filler.

Kraftwerk

More European men pretending to be robots, Kraftwerk are beloved by anyone too blind to see that their icy synthesiser experimentation inevitably led to Eurodance, the Vengaboys and Basshunter. Their albums are mainly listened to out of politeness apart from the one about the Tour de France, which is listened to not at all.

The Velvet Underground

Everyone had that one album, the one with the banana cover and about four good tracks, when they were at the stage of weed-smoking where skinning up took four people. But did you know they did several other albums, all of which are ‘only for the fans’? Resist any urge to investigate.

Nirvana

When you’ve got more good T-shirts than you’ve got good records, then you’re flawed as a band. Yeah they were huge, grunge was huge, it was all very exciting and tragic but come on; Bleach is no better than any first album, In Utero is wilfully unlistenable, and the best bits of MTV Unplugged are covers.

Frank Ocean

Not a band, just one man making critically acclaimed music that actively resists any attempt to actually listen to it. How many times have you put Blonde on, vowing to really give it a good go this time, and then it’s over having made less impression than Jeremy Vine taking calls about listeners’ favourite bedding plants?

Radiohead

Admit it; they kind of went shit after The Bends. 

Hitler Avenue: the street names the British public really want

LOCAL councils are changing outdated and offensive street names. But what names would the good old British public really like? Here are some suggestions.

Scrounger Street

The public loves a bit of doley-bashing, as evidenced by Benefits Street, so would be delighted to see their prejudices officially confirmed. Big Telly Avenue, Pretending To Be Disabled Boulevard and You Know They’ve All Got iPhones Court would also be popular.

Han Solo Drive

Everyone’s sick of street names based on boring old real people, and everyone likes Star Wars. Let’s have Tauntaun Walk, Death Star Close and, for newcomers to the epic saga, K-2SO Grove.

Kentucky Fried Chicken Crescent

Britons were on the brink of insurgency when KFC branches ran out of chicken a few years ago. Clearly this greasy delicacy is a source of greater national pride than nobodies like Sir Isaac Newton, and should be honoured with street names.

No Name Street

The Brits love a laugh, so why not a humorous street name based on a U2 song? Others include Devil Gate Drive, Itchycoo Park, and Blueberry Hill. All very funny until the sign gets stolen once a fortnight minimum.

Rising House Price Road

House prices are a national obsession, whether you’re a homeowner or a millennial who will never be a homeowner unless they move somewhere shit like Stoke-on-Trent. The honesty would help newcomers to the area, and buyers in Negative Equity Street wouldn’t have any grounds to complain.

Hitler Avenue

Britain has an ambiguous relationship with Hitler. On the one hand he was evil and our enemy, but on the other without him we wouldn’t have any history at all. Living on Hitler Avenue would also make it easy to remember your address.

Brexit Way

There’s already a Princess Diana Court, so let’s move onto the UK’s latest fixation. A property in Brexit Way would be a superb investment due to all the Brexiters wanting to live there and pushing up house prices. If they’re not all unemployed and destitute by this point.