Daniel Craig unmanly for carrying baby, say fans unaware that Bond made quiche

JAMES Bond fans criticising Daniel Craig for carrying a baby are totally unaware that their hero cooked a quiche in A View To A Kill. 

The fans, who believe that James Bond is actually real and the actor who pretends to be him every four years should behave accordingly, appear to have overlooked the key moment of the 1985 film.

Cinema writer Nathan Muir said: “He doesn’t just eat it. He dons the apron and makes it, then serves it up with a bashful smile.

“It’s implied that he has sex with the girl involved, but it would probably be right-on-style 80s sex with an emphasis on caring foreplay and the importance of contraception.

“You can still get in a gunfight while wearing a baby harness, but you can’t when you’re wearing oven gloves to bring your aubergine-and-feta quiche garnished with black olives to the table.

“Also, in 2002’s Die Another Day, he goes for a sit-down wee. Take that, Piers Morgan.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Jayden is a perfectly normal name but 'Paul' is weird, eight-year-olds agree

EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS have informed their parents that every class has at least one Jayden but they have never heard of anyone called Paul.

They also confirmed that Sienna, Scarlett and Skye are boringly common but Sarah and Louise are strange, exotic and the kind of thing only people in films are called.

Father Joseph Turner said: “I asked my son if there were any kids called Richard in his school. He laughed and went ‘Dad, you’re making these up.’

“I knew Darren was a fashion, but somehow I believed a name like Lee was timeless. A playground without Lees is unthinkable.

“But no. Apparently Jayden is a perfectly normal name for older kids, and there is no longer a chorus of girls called Joanne in every class. I can’t fathom it. My first three snogs were all girls called Joanne, as was customary at the time.”

Son Arlo said: “I wish dad had given me a name that stands out. When I’m 18 I’m going to change it to something cool, like Steve.”