Danny Boyle to direct world-closing ceremony

TRAINSPOTTING director Danny Boyle is to helm the closing ceremony to mark the end of the world, with Paul McCartney headlining.

Olympics opening ceremony mastermind Boyle has been chosen to direct a multi-media spectacular to mark the End of Days in a specially-built Apocalypse Stadium near Norwich.

It will take the audience on a journey from the Earth cooling and forming a crust, then through the highlights of human civilisation before ending with a rousing rendition of The Beatles’ Hey Jude just as the planet explodes.

The End of the World ceremony is scheduled for December 21, which is when Mayan calendars predict Armageddon will occur – a theory scientists agree is strongly supported by economic implosion, Middle Eastern crises and the popularity of the Channel 4 series Embarrassing Bodies.

Boyle said: “It’s the end of the world, a once in a lifetime occasion – this isn’t a time for negativity.

“This is going to be a mega night with the planet’s history encapsulated by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, dancing animals and Lisa Kelly from Ice Road Truckers.

“To add to the excitement, the world will not actually end until the last chorus of  ‘naah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah-naah’. In theory the final calamity could be deferred by hours, maybe days, depending on how Sir Paul’s throat holds up.

“Obviously it’s a intimidating challenge, but at least we’ll all be destroyed before the papers have a chance to slag it off.”

Music critic Tom Booker said: “When I heard the end of the world was coming my heart sank because I knew what it meant – Sir bloody Paul McCliché and his grand piano trundled out for bloody Hey Jude. Why not one of his more obscure tunes like Maybe I’m Amazed or Temporary Secretary?

“I suppose we at least ought to be grateful it’s not Robbie Williams doing Angels. Mind you, where are your angels now, eh, fatso?”

However, a local authority spokesman said that Sir Paul’s performance would have to end by midnight, otherwise the plugs would be pulled.

He said: “By-laws are by-laws, no exceptions.”



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BBC to launch Trevor Nelson button

TREVOR Nelson is to be offered as a permanent commentary option for all BBC programmes.

Following Nelson’s stint saying whatever came into his head during the Olympics opening ceremony, viewers will soon be able to hear the DJ describing the images drifting across his frontal lobe as an accompaniment to any BBC output.

A BBC spokesman said: “Trevor’s style is a hybrid of commentary and beat poetry that appeals simultaneously to sports fans, soul music heads and lovers of avant garde spoken word performance who claim the BBC isn’t supporting niche arts.

“Whether it’s asking where he can get a kettle like the one that’s on Eastenders or saying how much he’s scared of bees during a wildlife program, Trevor will be able to bring a uniquely personal perspective to any program.

“It will be particularly exciting during quiz shows, as viewers try to answer the questions at home while Trevor shouts out the names of different pieces of fruit.”

The 48-year-old iPod shuffle, awarded the MBE in 2007 for services to bigging up Britain’s posses, will become a permanent resident of the BBC TV Centre, where he will be intravenously fed a diet of liquidised Monster Munch and value brand orangeade to keep his commentary suitably disjointed and excitable.

Nelson will be the main commentator for the Community Shield match in August between Manchester City and Chelsea, the team he supports when he isn’t plotting the jazz funk revival.

He said: “It’s a great honour to be asked to talk about things all day because oh hang on, a button has just fallen off my shirt. I like shirts. Did they used to have them in olden times when they rode horses?

“I stroked a horse once.”