'Darkest ever' Batman just a black screen

CHRISTOPHER Nolan’s latest Batman film consists of a cinema screen that remains black and silent for two-and-a-half hours.

The director has described The Dark Knight Rises as ‘the darkest Batman ever’ and ‘taking edgy, moody nihilism to its logical conclusion’.

Nolan said: “During the development process, none of the storyboards were looking dark, edgy or moody enough for me.

“In a fit of despair I doodled a rectangle and filled it in with a black marker pen. I realised it was the perfect expression of Bruce Wayne’s inner void.”

As well as having no moving images, Nolan opted to tell the story of Batman’s battle with the murderous lunatic Bane without sound.

Nolan said: “There is no sound in the abyss, only emptiness.”

Test audience member Nikki Hollis said: “The black silence becomes strangely meditative.

“I found myself considering some deep Batman-related questions, like if you punch the Penguin in a forest and there’s no-one around, does it still make a ‘ka-pow’ sound?

Cinemagoer Tom Logan said: “Well it sounds interesting but I’m not sure it’s the fun time I’m after. I was thinking of taking my kids but they tend to prefer sassy talking donkeys to silent contemplation of existential angst.”



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Holmes embraces conventional lunacy

KATIE Holmes has left the world of Scientology for a more normal type of bullshit by experimenting with Catholicism.

The former flat heel wearer has severed all ties with Scientologists after her clean-shaven husband informed the organisation that she didn’t exist and was merely Xenu disguised as a mediocre actress.

Holmes said: “I was worried that after all those years of Hubbardism or whatever it’s called, believing in things that require evidence straight away might be like a 300-pound woman trying to run the New York marathon.

“I’m starting with the Pope and all his colourful brand of magical batshittery, then gradually working my way back to normality.

“I’ll hopefully be moving onto being a Methodist by the end of next year as they’re just slightly mental and a bit mean-spirited rather than tits-out crazy.”

Holmes hopes to have finally reached the stage where she stops believing in fairy stories at the same stage as her daughter Suri and has also started to de-bullshit-ise other aspects of her life.

She is currently working with a dietician on what constitutes a healthy weight, how eating less calories than you consume is the only actual way of losing weight in first place and why a dietician actually needs to study for their qualification rather than printing off the internet like a nutritionist.

Helpers are also working to remove the healing crystals from her home, moving the furniture to what looks good rather than what is ‘proper Feng Shui’ and are patiently explaining that acting is just well-paid dressing up rather than the hardest job in the world.

Holmes added: “Somebody suggested I try homeopathy but while I may be Tom Cruise’s ex and an actor, I’m not a complete fucking idiot.”