Public confused by concept of Tory rebels

POLITICAL commentators are being repeatedly asked to explain exactly what a Tory rebel is and if they look anything like James Dean.

91 Conservative MPs who refused to back Lords reform are being described as rebels, bewildering those who think of rebellion as young, dangerous and sexy.

Among the rebels are speccy beanpole bully-magnet Jacob Rees-Mogg, door-knocking Christian Nadine Dorries, and pig-eyed tub of rancid lard Nicholas Soames, none of whom can be easily pictured slouching in a doorway wearing a leather jacket.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “In movies, rebels are fighting the status quo and risking their own lives to do what they know is right. In Parliament it’s the exact opposite.

“While rebellion usually involves fire and blood, or at least some kind of challenge to authority, the 91 Tory rebels are in authority and have bravely voted to perpetuate unelected political power for Britain’s richest landowners.”

Graphic designer Tom Booker said: “I compare everything in my pathetic, empty life to Star Wars and in that the Rebel Alliance were definitely the good guys; a tiny, embattled force fighting a suicidal battle against overwhelming odds.

“I find that hard to reconcile with one bunch of Old Etonians telling another bunch to piss off, when what hangs in the balance isn’t the fate of the universe but Nick Clegg’s pitiable political career.”

Mekon-headed rebel leader Jesse Norman MP, asked to comment, lit a cigarette, spat at a reporter’s feet and revved his motorcycle before riding off, helmetless, into the sunset.



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Britain's heap of shit weather explained

WE only have ourselves to blame for the current awful weather, it has emerged.

Meteorologists believe powerful currents of negative energy, known as the ‘crud stream’, are responsible for the seemingly never-ending rain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The ‘crud stream’ is the collective psychic resonance of all the shit things currently overwhelming the UK.

“Basically every time someone does something bad-minded, for example clicking on a picture of a TOWIE cast member’s tits on Mail Online, it creates an amount of evil ‘crud energy’, a mysterious invisible element which is lighter than air and smells faintly of chestnuts.

“Other causes of ‘crud energy’ include using the phrase ‘wow factor’, punching people in kebab shops for no reason and watching television programmes where overweight people get cameras put in their fridge.

“The bad vibes waft into the sky, becoming the aforementioned ‘crud stream’, then form evil black clouds that piss it down on us.

“It’s all quite like the premise of the film Ghostbusters 2.

“Immediate measures for reducing the crud stream could include closing ITV2 and assorted newspapers and pulping any Peter Andre biographies.

“Also being less aggressive all the time. For example, Spanish people don’t really hit each other with broken chairs on a Friday night, and hence their weather’s lovely.”