David Guetta 'foraging for nuts and berries'

FERAL dance music genius David Guetta has been spotted foraging in a suburban garden.

The enigmatic DJ/producer is considered a genius among the commercial dance music intelligentsia. But Guetta has no interest in the financial rewards of the entertainment industry, choosing to inhabit a cave near Rouen where he keeps warm by burning royalty cheques.

Householder Stephen Malley said: “He was dressed in an old fertiliser bag with arm-holes cut out of it.

“But it was definitely David Guetta, picking through my hedge in search of nuts and berries.

“I shouted ‘Hey, aren’t you David Guetta?’ He appeared to panic, stuffing bush-fodder into his mouth before leaping the hedge with a single bound of his scrawny legs.

“He seemed harmless, but there are mice in his straggly beard.”

Fellow DJ Roy Hobbs said: “There is a fine line between genius and insanity, and David walks that tightrope every day.

“His mission to create the most accessible club track in human history is lonely, mystical and perhaps tragic.”



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Teen vigil at Hobsbawm house

THOUSANDS of inconsolable teenage girls have gathered at the home of deceased historian Eric Hobsbawm.

Passages from ‘The Age Of Empire – 1875-1914’ have been drawn on giant RIP cards in glitter paint, and groups of self-styled ‘histo-chicks’ are tearfully reciting paragraphs from Hobsbawm’s seminal 1978 essay on the Communist Party Historians Group.

16-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve had tickets to his talk about the Spanish Civil War at the O2 Arena for months, it was the first time I was going to see a Marxist historian live.

“Me and Becky would have been in the fifth row centre aisle, so when he talked about the war being a war of intellectuals it would have been like he was saying it just to us.

“Eric was our hero-storian.”

The Historian Death Helpline, first set up after the wave of teen suicides following the death of AJP Taylor in 1990, has been flooded with calls from distraught fans for whom narrative history has become an obsession.

Counsellor Tom Logan said: “I try telling the girls that most of the professors they’re into are homosexuals in their late 60s but they just say I’m jealous.”

However 18-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’m actually way more into David Starkey, his controversial views on nihilism in black culture give me fizzy pants.”