Scientists identify ‘photo or tweet’ reflex

THE instinctive human response to danger is now to take a photo or tweet about it, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found our fight/flight reaction to threat has been replaced by a desire to advertise the predicament to strangers on the internet.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People are increasingly sending tweets like ‘House on fire. NE1 got any advice? Thnx.’

“When a zookeeper at London Zoo was attacked by a bear recently, onlookers did not raise the alarm but simply took pictures and tweeted about it until he was dead, at which point they moved on to a monkey eating a Cornetto.

“What’s disturbing is that one of the tweeters was the zookeeper himself, who could be seen typing on his iPhone with his nose, due to his right arm having been ripped off.

“I can only conclude that we are becoming a race of technological sociopaths.”

Builder Tom Logan said: “While filming some paramedics trying to resuscitate a guy who’d collapsed in the street, I started to doubt my actions. Then I realised I should have spent a bit more and got a Nokia 808, because the picture quality is far superior.”

Anthropologist Mary Fisher said: “One of the earliest cave paintings shows Neanderthals being eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger while other members of the tribe watch from a nearby tree.

“The scene is accompanied by primitive lettering thought to spell ‘LOL’.”



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North Korea test-launches online pop video

THE escalating pop viral conflict between North and South Korea could trigger nuclear war, it has been claimed.

Kim Jong Un has responded angrily to the success of South Korea’s ‘Gangnam Style’, ordering the Youtube release of North Korea’s music video Structured Movement Sequence Devoted To The Glory Of The Motherland And Perfect For Leisure Period.

However the video lacks the infectious hook of Gangnam Style, featuring a soldier repeatedly shouting ‘You must labour to the point of exhaustion!’ over a backdrop of tanks.

Kim Jong Un said: “Failure to rate or share this video will be considered an indirect act of hostility. Our warheads are primed and will automatically launch in the event that it gets less than three hundred million likes.”

Experts fear South Korea may retaliate with an effortlessly catchy, instantly viral pop hit.

International affairs analyst Tom Logan said: “The South Korean government is working with Psy on a new song called ‘Snakey Jakey’.

“I’ve only seen a five-second test clip but it’s been ricocheting around my mind ever since. Kim Jong Un will be hearing it in his sleep.

“Because of its catchiness and nifty ‘snake hands’ dance, the Doomsday Clock now stands at eight seconds to twelve.”

A US spokesman said: “North Korea cannot bully the world into liking or sharing a web video.

“The right to call a Youtube clip ‘gay’ is a cornerstone of democracy.”