Day-Lewis to spend two minutes preparing for next role

AFTER his third best actor Oscar, Daniel Day-Lewis is to stop trying.

The star said his record-breaking win meant he no ‘longer gave a tuppenny shit’ and was looking forward to playing ‘someone like King Arthur, but with a really bad accent’.

He added: “Arthur was born in Cornwall, so I suppose I could try a kind of Wurzels thing. ‘Oo-arrh, that be excalibur, me trusty sword what I found in a lake’.

“I really don’t care.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Evil haunted bike for sale on eBay

ANDREW Mitchell’s evil, possessed bike is for sale on eBay.

The distinctive black bicycle is haunted by the spirit of its former owner Lord Finchbrook, a sadistic aristocrat who peddled around his estate deliberately running over workers.

Parnormal expert Tom Booker said: “The bike exerts a malign influence over all who possess it, and must be fed with blood of people earning less than 30K.

“Its other scary features are a bell that rings itself at midnight and back-pedal brakes.”