Pope farewell gig ends in riot

CATHOLICS trashed the centre of Rome yesterday as the Pope performed his farewell gig to 50,000 screaming fans.

After flying over the crowd swinging a 40-foot thurible of incense and running through some of his greatest liturgical hits, Benedict implored the faithful to ‘tear the roof off the fucker’.

Pope fan Tom Logan said: “People were throwing condoms at him asking him to personally condemn them, they were being fruitful in the fountain and shotgunning communion wine. It was a totally wild Angelus.

“Down the front I saw the Swiss Guard beating up a young priest for not having the right bible. It was a really heavy service. There  hasn’t been anything like it since Pope Paul VI at Altamont in 1970.”

As cleaners swept up broken rosary beads and torn nun habits decorated in glitter, the damage caused to St Peter’s Square is estimated to be millions of pounds that the Catholic church can easily afford.

The successor has yet to be decided but the papal conclave will now consider candidates with a more laid-back Joni Mitchell vibe less likely to cause another infallible wig-out.

Logan added: “Before yesterday’s gig, the announcer warned that the brown communion wafers circulating the square were bad, so maybe that was what got everybody so fucked up.”

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Bradford celebrates better season than Arsenal

BRADFORD City celebrated its 5-0 thrashing yesterday by comparing its season to Arsenal’s.

As the Yorkshire club was battered like its supporter’s average dinner, the players reflected on the fact that at least none of them were or ever will be Gervinho.

Manager Phil Parkinson said: “Even as the fifth goal whizzed past our keeper I turned to my assistant and said ‘Piers Morgan doesn’t support us. Never forget that’.

“The supporters we do have were actually audible, didn’t need prostitution to afford their season ticket and were sat at Wembley watching their side compete, to some degree, in a cup final.”

Bradford fans will spend the rest of the season not watching their ex-players win league and European titles, although they conceded they do still have George Galloway as their MP.

Meanwhile, Brendan Rodgers told Swansea fans they are very welcome for their victory after taking all the credit for it.

Speaking in front of a large whiteboard filled with incomprehensible quadratic equations, the Liverpool manager credited his mastery of Chaos Theory for each of Swansea’s five goals.

Rodgers said: “The ink I used in my resignation from Swansea was made by the left bladder of the male Two-Spot octopus.

“The eddies of causality this sent out into the universe ensured a Swansea victory just as surely as a butterfly beating its wings in China is the reason Joe Allen can’t currently pass for shit.”