Cardinal's hatred of gay marriage veering towards poignant

CARDINAL Keith O’Brien’s ferocious hatred of gay marriage may actually be rather sweet and sad, it has been confirmed.

As Britain’s biggest catholic was accused of being ‘inappropriate’ with priests, experts said that if you did not see this coming you have spent the last five years on a tiny South Pacific island after surviving a shipwreck.

Julian Cook, professor of smokescreens at Roehampton University, said: “I’m not saying that he’s definitely been bottling it up. I’m just saying that’s what I think definitely happened. And I’m not saying it’s obvious, I’m just saying that it seems obvious.

“Really, really obvious.”

Martin Bishop, a very nice gay man, said: “I can’t decide whether I want to give him a cuddle or a good talking to and then a cuddle.

“He’ll try to pull away at first and call me horrible names, but I’ll hold on to him very tightly and then eventually he’ll just give in and let himself be cuddled.

“And I’ll say to him, ‘if God thinks you’re wrong then he wasn’t really your friend anyway’.”

Psychologist Jane Thompson said: “Which came first – the inappropriate chicken or the egg that’s ashamed of itself?

“Think of this poor man reading an article about a gay couple then proclaiming they were ‘abhorrent’ while all the time he’s thinking, ‘Christ, they look fantastic together’.

“Catholic guilt is amazing stuff. You could use it to clean an oven.”

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Oscars highlights 2013: Day-Lewis to run for presidency as Lincoln

OSCAR winner Daniel Day-Lewis has launched a bid for the US presidency in the character of Abraham Lincoln.

The three-times best actor winner announced his political ambitions during an acceptance speech delivered in the character of the former president.

He began: “That bullet wound was actually just a graze, then they froze me for a number of years. How’s it going with the slavery thing?”

The actor’s spokesman said: “Daniel’s bored of collecting Oscars, to him it’s as routine as going to buy milk from the shop. So he’s staying in character until he gets elected to run the world.

“Everything Daniel/Abraham does is unbelievably intense and immersive. Even when he’s just eating some crisps, every crunch is pregnant with anticipation.

“Basically he’s a bit weird.”

More Oscar highlights:

Silver Linings Playbook actress Jennifer Lawrence did a bit of sick in her hand while walking up to collect the best actress trophy. She said: “I thought it was going to be a burp. I can’t believe sick came out, total nightmare.”

The office after-party was trashed by Gremlins from the film Gremlins, who had just lost out to Critters for the best 90s small monster franchise prize.

Live singing by the cast of Les Miserables delighted people who like that sort of thing.

Tommy Lee Jones took the best supporting actor award after dragging Christopher Waltz into the disabled toilets and kicking shit out of him.

At the prestigious Governers Ball after-show dinner, delicacies such as slow-braised lamb shank were served to people who do not actually consume calories, who then hand-fed their meals to personal eaters crouched at their feet.