Dealers prepare bad acid for Glastonbury Metallica set

MORE than 400,000 hits of acid, guaranteed to send people spiralling into the abyss, are being prepared for Metallica’s performance at Glastonbury.

The acid, based on the famous Woodstock brown acid formula, will induce feelings of paranoia and monsters in the peripheral vision, even when it is just Lily Allen on stage.

But the narcotics industry pledged it will really kick in when the thrash metal maniacs fill the South West of England with their horrible version of music.

Dealer Stephen Malley says: “By the time Enter Sandman drops the whole field will be a writhing mass of private hells, terrifying hallucinations and permanent mental damage.

“A bit like Simply Red in ’86.”

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CofE calls for Christian meat packaging to show Jesus eating a sausage

THE row over faith-based meat has escalated with Anglicans demanding that packaging shows an image of Jesus eating a large sausage.

The Archbishop of Canterbury insisted secular meat is ‘no longer feasible’ and that supermarket shoppers should be able identify Muslim meat, Christian meat, Hindu meat and Voodoo meat.

He said: “Jesus wanted everyone to enjoy meat, particularly sausages. It was the main reason he was crucified.

“I fully respect Islamic meat faith, Hindu beef dogma and the Jewish Sin of Bacon, as well as Buddhist meat-free reincarnation magic and the Voodoo chicken thing.

“But Christians deserve the same respect for their meat religion.”

He added: “As for how the animals are killed, I’m not a vet, but have we tried hitting them over the head with a large, metal cross?

“Like I say, I’m not a vet.”

Meanwhile, supermarkets have offered a compromise which would involve meat packing showing a photo of the abattoir employee who killed the animal.

Tom Logan, a marketing consultant, said: “We could have a picture of ‘Brian’ giving a big ‘thumbs-up’, accompanied by a few words telling us something about him – he’s married to Helen, he enjoys cycling and his favourite film is You’ve Got Mail.

“But some consumers may not be ‘Brian fans’ and would prefer to eat animals killed by ‘Alan’ or ‘Sarah’ or ‘Geoff’.

“They could follow their favourites on social media and have conventions every year where they gather at a three-star hotel and watch Geoff kill a pony.”