DiCaprio bear sex scene 'tender and loving'

LEONARDO DiCaprio’s new film features a sensual scene of loving, playful intercourse with a brown bear.

The Revenant tells the story of a man surviving in the wilderness who finds himself drawn to a divorced, middle-aged local bear with two cubs.

DiCaprio said: “I want to quash rumours that the sex is in any way non-consensual. I invite the bear back to my cabin, we drink a little moonshine and bond over a mutual sense of longing.

“Soon our instincts take over and the bear begins to rub my lower back with its huge paw. Then I kiss it and nibble its pointed ear.

“It’s super erotic but feels very natural, sort of like Don’t Look Now if Julie Christie was covered in fur and weighed over half a ton.

“However it is not explicit – the camera actually cuts away, then you see us in the morning with the bear snoring face up on my now-broken bed and me in my boxers bringing it a breakfast tray.”

Asked to confirm whether there was nudity, DiCaprio replied: “Bears are alway naked you fucking idiot.”

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Man realises he is gentrification

A PECKHAM-BASED man has realised that the social transformation of the area is exemplified by him.

Stephen Malley, a graphic designer originally from Cambridgeshire, had a moment of clarity while ordering a flat white from an artisan bakery that used to be a fried chicken shop.

Malley said: “I was just complaining to my accountant that it was getting harder to find cheap avocados when I was seized by a horrifying self-awareness.

“I looked down at my pale, bourgeois hands, uncalloused by honest work, and in that moment I knew the truth. I am the enemy within, the bringer of blandness, the reason our cleaner has to live 50 miles away.”

A dazed Malley staggered out into the street, which was full of his tastefully bearded doppelgangers, and vomited against a gourmet burger bar.

Malley’s wife Daisy said: “We moved to Peckham two years ago because it was cheap and vibrant, and I could give Reiki massages at home while setting up an online juice business.

“Now my husband tells me I am a monster in a yoga-honed body.

“My first instinct was to jump off the multi-storey car park that is now a Campari bar. But then I realised how much money I could make selling ‘Save Peckham from me’ organic cotton tote bags so, swings and roundabouts.”