Zuckerberg regrets going on Facebook while drunk

MARK Zuckerberg’s Facebook announcement that he will give away 99 per cent of his wealth was the result of being shitfaced, he has revealed.

The billionaire Facebook founder is now wondering if he can get out of his pledge to hand over $45 billion on the grounds that he had drunk two bottles of red wine.

Zuckerberg said: “I woke up with a splitting hangover and remembered I’d been on the computer till quite late, so naturally hoped I hadn’t said anything embarrassing on social media.

“I decided I’d probably just put up some music links and maybe written a few comments that weren’t nearly as funny or interesting in the cold light of day.

“But when I logged on I realised I’d promised to hand over my vast wealth to ‘good causes’. I went out into the garden and repeatedly kicked a tree while saying ‘fuck’.”

After checking his browser history, Zuckerberg believes his insane generosity may have been inspired by repeatedly listening to The New Seekers’ 1971 hit I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing in a state of alcohol-induced sentimentality.

He continued: “I can’t go back on it without looking a complete bastard. My wife’s going to have a fit when I tell her she can’t have a tropical island and a space shuttle for Christmas.”

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Hooray for war

CHEERING crowds packed the streets of Britain yesterday as the nation finally got the war it has wanted for so very long.

Jubilation reigned throughout the land as RAF bombers set off to Syria, following Parliament’s capitulation to the public demand for an open-ended conflict in the Middle East.

Bill McKay, from Bolton, said: “I’m over the moon.

“I mean yes, we’ve been at war with or in Iraq since 2003, and of course there was Afghanistan, but that wasn’t nearly enough for me and my family.

“‘When are they going to start bombing Syria?’ my wife would nag me over the dinner table every night. ‘Everyone else is. It’s not fair’.

“Well, at last the wait is over and just in time for Christmas. What a fantastic present.”

Army recruitment centres have been inundated as tens of thousands abandon their dull lives in Civvy Street to join what one thrilled new squaddie described as ‘surely the best war yet’.

The prime minister, speaking in front of a spontaneous rally of more than 300,000 rejoicing people in Trafalgar Square, said: “It’s war, everyone! It’s war!

“God, it feels so exciting to finally be saying this! It’s war, it’s war, it’s war!”