'Do or do not, there is no try' and other bullshit movie lines morons live by

MOVIES are escapist fiction, not a solid basis for your life philosophy, yet halfwits have taken dumb lines of dialogue to heart: 

‘Do or do not, there is no try’ – The Empire Strikes Back, 1980

Sage advice delivered by a little green goblin with a poor grasp of sentence structure. Effective in the context of the film, punishingly cringeworthy when used to motivate people about real-life situations. They’re usually not trying to levitate a spaceship out of a swamp, they’re trying to save a housing deposit or kick the booze.

‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it’ – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 1986

Easy enough for a smarmy prick to say during a booming economy. Slightly grating to hear when you’re an adult with a family to feed and a job to hold down. You haven’t got a second to stop and bask in your life, and even if you did you’d realise it’s not going very well and Ferris was an arsehole like his sister said. 

‘Just keep swimming’ – Finding Nemo, 2003

A line sung by an amnesiac fish in a kid’s film so many times it made you pray for a major oil spill over that f**king reef. Ploughing through life unthinkingly is dumb. Sometimes you need to pause and fix problems before moving on. Yes, the swimming is metaphorical, but that doesn’t make it any less moronic.

‘What we do in life echoes in eternity’ – Gladiator, 2000

The actions of Maximus Decimus Meridius definitely had an impact on events in the film, but that’s because he was the main character and it would be a rubbish script if they didn’t. Actual people who say this will only leave behind an arse groove on their sofa and a bunch of annoyed friends.

‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get’ – Forrest Gump, 1994

Usually said by hapless cretins when life throws them a curveball. Far from being a reassurance, this line is a surrender to the world’s chaotic misfortunes. Also, even if the chocolates came without the handy guide, they’re chocolates. They’re all nice. None unexpectedly kill you. 

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Ghost them if you like them: dating advice from a 21-year-old man

WOMEN can be difficult to date if you are not possessed of the wisdom of a 21-year-old man who has never had a proper girlfriend. Let me show you how to court: 

Fail to read signals

Women are mysterious creatures who communicate in obscure ways. What could it mean if they send you a message at 1am which reads ‘u up?’ Probably that they want to discuss the state of your platonic friendship. Alternatively, if they just want to be friends, that’s their veiled way of saying they’re really into you.

Don’t ask them about themselves

Forget about your looks or how much money you earn, women are more interested in you banging on about whatever you’re obsessed by. I discuss edgy podcasts I’m listening to, share jokes I stole from the internet that don’t really work without the gif, and never ask them anything about their lives so as not to be rude. If you feel the chat dragging, bring up sex.

Ghost them if you like them

Starting to genuinely connect with a woman? Stop replying to their messages and answering their calls immediately. Block their number, unfollow them on social media, and blank them if you bump into them in real life. This is the most sophisticated way to handle your uncontrollable emotions and she will admire your maturity.

Remember they hate transparency

If there’s one thing women hate it’s men who know what they want out of a relationship and can communicate these desires in a clear manner. Therefore, to avoid angering them, remain as vague and inconsistent as possible. If she brings up old text messages that contradict what you’re saying, gaslight her.

Say you never liked her anyway

If the woman ends things first, which they always seem to for some reason, remember that you never cared about her to begin with. In fact all those love poems you wrote to her were composed out of spite. She probably dumped you because she has commitment issues, after all you’re perfect and don’t need to grow up in any way.