Child interrogates parents after finding Maltesers wrapper in bin

THE discovery of a Maltesers wrapper in a kitchen bin has forced a six-year-old to interrogate her parents about its origins.

Lauren Hewitt, who found the offending wrapper carefully buried beneath used kitchen roll and a Ryvita packet, quickly pinpointed her parents as the guilty parties because she was given no Maltesers herself.

She said: “The evidence suggests one of them – or perhaps both – secretly scoffed it in the evening whereas I’d had to be content with an apple and a single chocolate digestive as pudding. Which is unfair.

“Chocolate isn’t for adults. Parents should be informed of this at the point of purchase, then have to store it openly in the treat cupboard where it would be available on request. Obviously I should get most of it because I’m a growing girl and do my reading.

“I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to find out who ate what was rightfully mine. Shine bright lights in their eyes, play good cop bad cop, bribe them, sleep deprivation, the works. And if all else fails I’ll throw a tantrum.”

Mum Emma said: “F**k, I’m busted. I’d better hide the Ben & Jerry’s under frozen bags of bolognese or the little bitch will have me bang to rights.”

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No-one watching Jamie's One-Pan Wonders actually going to cook any of this

NO-ONE  watching Jamie Oliver’s new cooking show is actually concentrating on the recipe in order to repeat it at home, viewers have confirmed.

The nation has admitted that although they are looking at their TV screens when the programme is on, the contents simply wash appetisingly over their brains while they tuck into takeaways from Deliveroo.

Viewer Tom Logan said: “Him off of The Naked Chef. Pan. One of. Pukka. Got it. Was there any dipping sauce for these spring rolls?

“It’s not like it’s a bad show, but when the entirety of world cuisine is only a few clicks away on your phone, why would anyone bother cooking? He should do a show about ordering this sweet and sour pork dish from my local Chinese restaurant, I’d be riveted to that.”

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “What was it about? It was Jamie. So it was probably the nonnas again. He can’t get enough of those Italian matriarchs.

“You don’t really need to focus on how he seasons and cooks lamb shoulders. It’s all white noise. Just bask in its ambient nothingness as you stuff your face with some food a motorcyclist dropped on your doorstep.

“I’ll definitely buy the tie-in cookbook for Christmas though. I like flicking through them.”